Jokes News

A family of three [mom, dad and a 10 year-old girl] went down to Florida to visit a nudist camp.

The girl goes walking around on the beach and comes back to her mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, women down here have bigger breasts than you.”

The mom replied, “That’s right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are.”

The girl goes and walks around again. She comes back to her mom and says, “Mommy, mommy, guys down here have bigger penises than dad.”

The mom replied, “That’s right honey, but the bigger they are the dumber they are.”

The girl goes on her way and comes running back to her mom again. “Mommy, mommy, dad is talking to this really dumb blonde and the longer he talks the dumber he gets.”

After Christmas vacation, an elementary school teacher was asking her students how they celebrated Christmas.

When she got to Sammy, whose father ran a local toy store, she said, “Sammy, since you’re Jewish, I guess your family didn’t celebrate Christmas.”

Sammy replied, “Oh, yes we did! We all held hands and danced around the cash register singing, “What A Friend We Have In Jesus.”

How do you know if you’re in love, lust, or marriage?

LOVE — when your eyes meet across a crowded room
LUST — when your tongues meet across a crowded room
MARRIAGE — when your belt won’t meet around your waist, and you don’t care

LOVE — when you argue over how many children to have
LUST — when you argue over who gets the wet spot
MARRIAGE — when you argue over money

LOVE — when you share everything you own
LUST — when you think twice about giving your partner bus money
MARRIAGE — when the bank owns everything

LOVE — when it doesn’t matter if you don’t climax
LUST — when the relationship is over if you don’t climax
MARRIAGE — what’s a climax?

LOVE — when you phone each other just to say “Hi”
LUST — when you phone each other just to organize sex
MARRIAGE — when you phone each other to find out what time your son’s game starts

LOVE — when you write poems about your partner
LUST — when all you write is your phone number
MARRIAGE — when all you write are checks

LOVE — when you show concern for your partners’ feelings
LUST — when you couldn’t give a shit
MARRIAGE — when your only concern is what’s on TV

LOVE — when your farewell is “I love you darling”
LUST — when your farewell is “So, same time next week?”
MARRIAGE — when your farewell is a relief

LOVE — when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner
LUST — when you only ever see each other in the bedroom
MARRIAGE — when you never see each other awake

LOVE — when your heart flutters every time you see them
LUST — when your groin twitches every time you see them
MARRIAGE — when your wallet empties every time you see them

LOVE — when nobody else matters
LUST — when nobody else knows
MARRIAGE — when everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows

LOVE — when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel
LUST — when it’s just the same mushy old shit
MARRIAGE — when you never listen to music

LOVE — when breaking up is something you try not to think about
LUST — when staying together is something you try not to think about
MARRIAGE — when just getting through today is your only thought

LOVE - when you’re only interested in doing things with your partner
LUST - when you’re only interested in doing things TO your partner
MARRIAGE - when you’re only interested in your golf score

Seventy year old George went to the doctor for his annual physical check-up. The doctor examined George and did all the routine tests. Everything seemed fine.

The doctor said, “Well George, it looks like all the tests came back normal and you seem to be in good physical shape for a man your age. Now tell me, how are you emotionally and spiritually?”

“Doc”, said George, “I am emotionally and spiritually great.
In fact, God has really been helping me a lot lately.”

“How is God helping you?”, asked the doctor.

George replied, “Well you see, I explained to God that my eyesight is not what it used to be, and I especially have trouble seeing at night when I have to get out of bed to use the bathroom. So now every time I have to get up to pee, *poof* the light goes on, and when I’m finished *poof* the light goes out again.”

This troubled the doctor, so he decided to call George’s wife and discuss this with her.

“Thelma”, said the doctor, “I’m a little worried about George. His check-up went well, but this new relationship he says he has with God is a bit strange. Is it really true that when he gets up at night God turns the lights on and off for him? George says that when he has to pee at night, *poof* the light goes on and when he’s done *poof* the light turns off again. Is he losing it a little, or does God really do that for him?”

“That stupid old fool,” said Thelma. “He’s been peeing in the refrigerator again!”

What do you get when you cross an owl with a goat?

You get a hootnanny.

Fred was a tired, overworked traveling salesman who’d been
making sales calls all day and hadn’t even stopped for lunch.

At about four o’clock he pulled into the crowded parking lot of a large plaza, thinking he could get a bite in the food court. He circled around several times looking for a parking space when he finally spied one close to the entrance. He was carefully backing in when a young guy driving a Porche, who obviously saw Fred, zoomed around the back of the row and zipped into Fred’s space.

Fred could have beaten the tar out of this guy, but he was
tired, hungry, and really didn’t want any trouble, so he drove around to the back of the row and pulled in behind the Porche.

After a quick bite in the food court, Fred came out to the car, thinking about where he might be able to make another sales call or two before going home. He shifted his old heap of a car into what he thought was Park but was actually Drive and stepped on the gas.

BAMMMMM!!! He smashed into the rear end of the Porsche. Fred’s car was not even scratched, but walking around the car, Fred guessed the Porsche would need about two thousand dollars of work.

People began to gather around, wondering what Fred was going to do. So he took out a blank order pad, wrote a note, left it under the window wiper of the Porsche, and drove away. This is what the note said:

“People think I’m writing my name, address, phone number and insurance company on this note so you can get in touch with me about the damage, but I’m not.”

What do you call a man hanging on a wall?
Art

What do you call a woman with only one leg?
Eileen

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves?
Russell

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean?
Bob

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal balls?
Sparky

Will you remember me in 20 years???

(Wait)

Will you remember me in 15???

(Wait)

Will you remember me in 10???

(Wait)

Will you remember me in 5???

(Wait)

Knock Knock

Who’s there???

See, you forgot me already!

Eager to make her mark in the world of business, an attractive, young MBA took a job as executive assistant to the middle-aged owner of a fast-growing computer software company. She found the work challenging and the travel interesting, but she was extremely annoyed by her boss’ tendency to treat her in public as though she were his girlfriend, rather than a professional associate.

This was especially irritating in restaurants, where he would insist on ordering for her and on calling her “Dearest” or “Darling,” within earshot of the waiters. When she told him how much this bothered her, he promised to stop, but the patronizing behavior continued.

Finally, as he led her into a four-star restaurant, she decided to take matters into her own hands. “Where would you like to sit, Sweetheart?” he asked, with a wink at the maitre d’.

“Gee,” she replied, “anywhere you say, Dad.”