Jokes News

What does Hillary Clinton do after she shaves her pussy?

Puts a tie on him and sends him to work.

As an ex-telemarketer, a couple of incidents happened to me… Let me share them with ya!

Me: Hi, may I speak to Mr. Jones?
Mr: Speaking.
Me: This is Susan calling from Mutual Medical Insurance.
Mr: Am I insured with you?
Me: No, but we’re calling to offer you a medical plan, which will take care of almost all your medical expences.
Mr: I’m sorry, I can’t hear you.
Me: We’re calling to offer you a medical plan, which will take care of most all your medical expences.
Mr: You think I’m sick?
Me: No, Mr X, but in case you get sick, you will be covered for your medical expenses, prescriptions, and all your needs.
Mr: I can’t hear you.
Me: In case you get sick, you will be covered for your medical expenses, prescriptions, and all your needs.
Mr: Lady, I can’t hear you, I have a bad hearing, I have a pacemaker, I have a cold and I’m almost dying. (click!)

This is my personal favorite:
(It was 10 am)
Mr: Hello
Me: Hi, could I please speak to Mr. Smith?
Mr: Speaking.
(at this point, I could hear noises in the background)
Mr: This is Susan calling on behalf of Commonwealth State Insurance about…
Mr: Listen, lady, my wife is standing naked in front of me, she’s ready to orgasm and if I don’t get into her right away, we’re not going to have sex in months! Besides, I’m dying to plunge into her. (click)

Another cool one!
Me: Hello, May I please speak to Mr. Williams?
Mrs: Who?
Mr: Mr. Williams.
Mrs: Well he’s not here.
Me: Could you tell me the best time to reach him?
Mrs: Oh well, he’s in prision. He’ll be released in 5 years!
Me: Oh, ok. Well thank you.
No need to say, he was on my do not call list.

This one’s hilarious!!
Me: May I please speak to Mr. Brown?
Mr: Speaking but if you’re trying to sell me anything, you want to offer me anything, don’t bother. And why don’t you come to visit me… I have a McDonald’s application form for you to become a Hamburger Flipper! (Click)

Oh god, am I glad to be outta there!!!

A Priest, a Minister, and a Rabbi went camping together so they could discuss the differences between their religions and do a little fishing. After a long night of debate they decide to go to bed, but to continue the discussion while they fished the next morning.

The next morning they piled into a row boat with the Priest at the oars. He rowed out about 50 feet from shore when he remembered that he forgot his tackel box.

“I’m sorry,” he said “but I need to go back and get my tackle box.”

“Fine,” said the Rabbi “Row us back in.”

“No need,” said the Priest as he stepped out of the boat and walked back across the water to shore. He retrieved his tackle box and walked back to the boat and took his place at the oars.

“I’m dreadfully sorry,” said the Minister “but I forgot my lucky rabbit’s foot and I can’t fish without it.”

“I’ll row you back in,” offered the Priest.

“No need,” said the Minister who then stepped out of the boat onto the water and walked back to shore. He found his rabbit’s foot and walked back across the water to the boat. After he took his seat again the Priest began to row, but the Rabbi realized that he had forgotten to bring the coffee.

“I sorry, but I forgot to bring the coffee, I need to go back and get it.”

“That’s the most important part of the trip! I’ll row us back,” said the Priest.

“No need,” said the Rabbi and he stepped off the boat onto the water where he sank like a stone. The priest then turned to the Minister and said,

“Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?”

There was a drunken man in a building complex, frantically knocking on people’s doors. A lady answered, “Who is it?”

The drunk replied,”EXCUSE ME! IS YOUR HUSBAND HOME?”

The lady replied from behind the door, “Yes he is, can I help you?”

The drunk said, “No thanks!”

When he knocked on the next door, a woman behind the door answered, “May I help you?”

The drunk said,”EXCUSE ME, IS YOUR HUSBAND HOME?”

The woman answered, “No, he’s not back from work yet, may I help you?”

The drunk said, “Yes, you mind opening the door so I
can see if you’re my wife, because I’m @#!*in’ lost…!!!!!!”

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car — both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light”.

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was losing it.

She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection, to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

One day, Little Johnny’s dad feels real horny. But as Little Johnny is around he cannot do anything.

So, he says to Little Johnny, “Go & stand on the roof, look around & tell me what other kids are doing.”

Little Johnny complies. Meanwhile his dad starts having sex with Little Johnny’s mother.

Dad:”Little Johnny, what is Toni doing?”

Little Johnny:”Dad, she is playing with her dolls.”

D:”What is Bobby doing?”

L J:”He’s flying a kite.”

D:And what is Sam doing?”

L J:”His mother is being fucked.”

Startled, Little Johnny’s Dad asks, “How do you know ?”

L J:”Because Sam is also standing on the roof, looking around & answering stupid questions.”

Clinton: “Hey Doc, I’ve got this bright red rash all over my penis and I don’t know how to get rid of it?”

Doc: “Hmm, let me take a look at that…just as I suspected…here you go, try this cream. Bring it home and rub it all over your genital area and come see me tomorrow.”

The next day Mr. Clinton rushes to the Doctors office. Clinton: “Hey, Doc, that’s absolutely amazing! My rash was completely gone only after only a minute or so, what was that miraculous cream you prescribed?”

Doc: “Well, Mr. Clinton, that’s your standard lipstick remover.”

Three cops were in a bar after work one day. There were two trainers and one rookie, fresh from the academy.

One trainer said, “I had the best sex the other night. I was making love to my girlfriend in the missionary position and right when I was about to have an orgasm, I fired off my pistol. It startled my girlfriend so bad that she had one too. It was awesome!”

The other trainer heard this and went home to his girlfriend that night. The next day they were at the same bar and the second trainer said, “I went home and tried your way of making love. I had my girlfriend in the doggy position and when I was about to orgasm, I fired off my pistol. It scared her so bad we both oragasmed together!”

The rookie had heard this twice now and went home to try it with his girlfriend. The next day he walked into the bar all scratched up and limping, holding his crotch.

The trainers immediately asked what happened and he replied “Well, I tried your way of making love to my girl. We were in the 69 poistion and when I fired off my pistol, the bitch shit on my face and bit my dick off!”

So, I saw a music store the other day and on the sign it advertised “Hard to find C.D’s and tapes”.

I walk in and nothing’s alphabetized!

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists.

An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from. “America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded. “She’s not from the States.”

“Yes I am.” said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, “Is he your husband?”

“Yes,” she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered….. “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.” The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.

Finally he replied, “She’s not for sale.”

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the
husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”