Jokes News

A little boy walks into his parents’ room while they are having sex and says, “Daddy, Daddy, what are you doing to Mommy?!”

The father, taken by surprise, says, “Son, I’m making you a baby brother.” The boy is overjoyed by this and returns to bed happy at the prospect of having a baby brother.

The next day the father comes home from work to see his son crying on the porch. The father runs over to the boy and says, “Son, what’s the matter?”

The boy says, “Daddy, do you know that baby brother you were making me last night?”

The father replies, “Yes I do.”

“Well, Dad, the mailman ate him this morning !!!”

One day a guy walks into a bar sits down and orders two shots of scotch. He drinks the shots pulls a picture out of his pocket and says, “Bar tender, two more shots please!” He drinks the shots and again pulls the picture out of his pocket. “Bar tender, two more shots please!” The Bar tender asks him, “Why do you keep ordering two shots and then look at the picture in your pocket?” “The picture is of my wife, and when she starts looking good, then I’m going home!”

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, ” Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn’t really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts … although still silent… stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s start working on your hearing.”

Did you hear Lorena Bobitt was killed as a result of an automobile accident?!

Some dick cut her off!

Q: Why do blondes make the best hair dressers?

A: Because after your haircut you REALLY get a blow job.

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, “Daddy, what is sex?”

He can’t believe his ears but says, “Honey, do you really want to know about sex?”

“Yes, Daddy, please”, so he sits her down and begins his talk about the birds and the bees, and how they pollinate the flowers, and so on.

When she looks at him blankly, he decides to tell the story in human terms, so he goes into great detail about when a man and a woman love each other, and about foreplay, and about fellatio, and about cunnilingus and about full intercourse and about masturbation and about sperms and eggs and testicles and ovaries and menstrual cycles. Exhausted he says, “Why did you want to know about sex?”

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, “Why did you want to know about sex?”

The little girl replied, “Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

A couple had been married 50 years and were celebrating with a champagne breakfast.

Joe, the husband, looks across the table at his wife Marion with a gleam in his eye and says “Do you remember what we did at our first breakfast after we were married?”

Marion smiles and says, “Well, I think we didn’t even put our nightclothes back on after our honeymoon night. If I remember right, we had breakfast together stark naked.”

“How about we do that right now?” says Joe, and he takes off his pajamas and Marion slips off her nightgown.

Marion gazes across the table at her husband and says, “Ya know, Joe, my nipples get as hot lookin’ at you today as they did fifty years ago.”

“I ain’t surprised”, smiles Joe, “seein’ how’s you got one in your coffee and one in your oatmeal.”

After summer Little Jonnie started back to school in the third grade. The teacher told the class that it was time to talk grown-up and to stop talking baby talk. She then told the class that she wanted them to tell what they did on summer vacation.

The first student got up and said that she went to Nana’s house over the summer. The teacher told her to say grandmother’s and not Nana’s because Nana’s was baby talk and she needed to talk grown-up.

The next student said that he went on a choo choo this summer. The teacher told the student it was a train, not a choo choo. Choo choo was baby talk.

She then called on Little Jonnie to speak. Little Jonnie said he read his first book over the summer. The teacher complimented Little Jonnie on his grown-up talk and asked him what the name of the book was.

Little Jonnie said, “It was called Winnie The Shit.”

Q. Why did the blonde have tire treadmarks on her back?

A. Because she was crawling across the street when the sign said “DON’T WALK.”

There was a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover saying “49, 49, 49, 49!”

A dumb blond walks up to him and asks, “What are you doing?”

He says, “I’m exercising.”

She asks, “Can I try?”

“Sure.”

She gets on the manhole and does the same thing.
“49, 49, 49, 49!”

The man reaches under her and SNATCHES the cover out from under her, she falls in. He puts the cover back on and jumps up and down on it saying, “50, 50, 50, 50!”