Jokes News

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. “You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?”

“I was in bed.”

“What were you doing in bed this late?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

“Haven’t I seen you before?”
(”Nice ass!”)

“I’m a Romantic.”
(”I haven’t got a dime.”)

“I need you.”
(”My hand is tired.”)

“I am different from all the other guys.”
(”I’m not circumcised.”)

“I want a commitment.”
(”I’m sick of masturbation.”)

“You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
(”You are the only girl who hasn’t rejected me.”)

“I really want to get to know you better.”
(”So I can tell my friends about it.”)

“It’s just orange juice, try it.”
(”3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs around my head.”)

“She’s kinda cute.”
(”I want to have sex with her till I am blue.”)

“I don’t know if I like her”
(”She won’t sleep with me.”)

“I miss you so much!”
(”I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.”)

“Was it good for you?”
(”I’m insecure about my manhood.”)

“How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?”
(”Is my penis really that small?”)

“I had a wonderful time last night.”
(”You give GREAT head!”)

“Do you love me?”
(”I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.”)

“Do you ‘really’ love me?”
(”I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out sooner or later.”)

“How much do you love me?”
(”I’ve done something really stupid and someone’s on their way to tell you all about it.”)

“I have something to tell you.”
(”Get tested.”)

“I’ll give you a call.”
(”I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.”)

“I’ve been thinking a lot.”
(”You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.”)

“I think we should just be friends.”
(”You’re ugly as sin.”)

“I’ve learned a lot from you.”
(”Next!!!!”)

Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel’s home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel’s wife and vice versa.

After many hands, the Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the Colonel’s wife smiled demurely and said, “Don’t worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I’ve been able to tell what he has in his hand….”

When my mother went to visit my younger brother, she found that his wife was pregnant with their 5th child, and she made a suggestion. She said to her daughter-in-law, “You can stop that very easily, you know. All you have to do when you go to bed is sleep with both feet in a 2-quart fruit jar.”

Well, they all had a good laugh about that! However, the following year when she again went to visit, she found her daughter-in-law pregnant again. She said, “I see you didn’t follow my advice.”

Her son answered, “Well, we tried, but we didn’t have any 2-quart jars, so we used two 1-quart ones.”

Q: Do you know how Bill Clinton holds his “licker”?

A: By the ears.

Q: What does a rattle snake and a one inch penis have in common.

A: No one will fuck with either one.

A man was invited for dinner at a friend’s house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her “My Love”, “Darling”, “Sweetheart”, etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, “That’s really nice after all of these years you’ve been married to keep saying those little pet names.”

The host said, “Well, honestly, I’ve forgotten her name.”

Susie came home from her first day at school.

Her mother said, “Well, Honey, what did you learn today?”

“Not enough, I guess….They want me to come back again tomorrow.”

Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M’s factory?

She kept tossing out all of the W’s…

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady, about twenty years old, walked up and sat on his lap. Santa doesn’t usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he asked her, “What do you want for Christmas, young lady?”

“Something for my mother,” said the young lady.

“Something for your mother? Well, that’s very thoughtful of you,” smiled Santa. “What do you want me to bring her?”

Without blinking, she replied, “A son-in-law.”