Jokes News

Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.

“We live in a great country,” she said. “One of the things we should be happy about is that, in this country, we are all free.”

One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands planted on his hips and said, emphatically, “I’m not free. I’m FOUR!”

A very distraught man goes to his doctor with a red ring around his penis. After the examination the doctor tells the man to go home, sit in a warm tub, and wash with soap and water and the ring should go away.

The man does as he is told and the ring goes away.
He is so happy and relieved about what has happened that he tells his friend.

His friend asks what the name of his doctor is because he has a green ring around his penis and he is concerned about it.

So his friend goes to the same doctor. The doctor examines the man and calls to his nurse to admit the man immediately to the emergency room.

The mans says, “Hey wait a minute. My buddy came in here with a red ring and all he had to do is go home, sit in a tub and wash it. Why do I have to go to the emergency room?”

And the doctor says, “Well there’s a difference between lipstick and gangrene!”

did you ever go to bed with an itchy bum and wake up with smelly fingers?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.
2. It’s best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.
3. You can do it with no hands, but it’s best not to try it
until you have a lot of experience.
4. It’s easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.
5. You can do it by yourself, but it’s usually not as much fun.
6. It’s usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.
7. It’s best to have a soft place to land.
8. You don’t need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.
9. If you’re with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it’s usually best to slow down and wait for them.
10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.
11. Once you learn, you never forget how.
12. If you fall off it’s best to get right back on.
13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.
14. Remember to signal before you change direction.
15. Make sure that you’ve got a firm grip.
16. It’s nice to have a cushy seat.
17. Once you’re over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

One day in the old west the U.S states government wanted to move all the Indians to a reservation.

The Head of State went to the the tribe and told the Indians that they had to move. The chief’s name was Bowels, and when he heard the Head of State tell the Indians that they were to move to the reservation, he replied, “Bowels no move”.

Well the Head of State heard this and thought that was just awful so he told the chief that he would send him to a doctor to straighten this out. The Chief figures that a “doctor” is the person to complain to so his people wouldn’t have to move to the reservation.

The next day the Chief goes into the doctor’s office and says, “Bowels no move.” Well, the doctor says, “That is terrible. I want you to take this pill three times a day and it will help.” The Chief figures if he takes the pill then his people can stay.

The next day the Chief comes back to the doctor’s office and once agian says, “Bowels no move.” The doctor says, “Take the pill 6 times a day.” The chief figures what the hell if it allows his people to stay on the reservation.

Well he comes back the next day and once again says, “Bowels no move.” The doctor says that he should now take the pill every hour so once again the chief does what the doctor says hoping it will help his people.

He comes back the next day walks into the doctor’s office and says “Bowels move now, teepee full of shit.”

There was once a truck driver who would amuse himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer, he would swerve to hit him, there would be a loud “THUD”, and then he’d swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. The driver thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.

“Where are you going, Father?” he asked.

“I’m going to a church 5 miles down the road,” the priest replied.

“No problem! I’ll take you there. Get in.” The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

All of a sudden, the driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him, but then he remembered the priest was also in the truck, so he swerved back away, barely missing the lawyer.

However, even though he was sure he had missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUMP”. He looked in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer.”

“That’s okay,” said the priest. “I got him with the door!”

hAS aNYONE sEEN mY cAPSLOCK kEY??

Hey,what does this RESET butto

$ not found:(A)bort (R)efinance (D)eclare bankrupcy

*system error, strike any user to continue.*

(A)bort (R)etry (T)urn off come to bed!

(A)bort (R)etry (S)ue.

BREAKFAST.COM Halted… cereal port not responding.

ERROR: D3F2: Replace user and press any key to continue.

Error…error…error…error…err
C:\>_

C:\CLINTON\TRUTH.COM not found:
(A)bort (R)etry (I)mpeach?

So there’s this nun who teaches first graders. On the first day of class the nun calls out all of the children’s names, except she notices that all the way in the back of the classroom there’s this little girl who never raised her hand.

So the nun goes over to the little girl and asks her “Little girl, what is your name?” and the little girl responds “My name is Helen Fuckhour.” The nun says to the little girl “Excuse me, what did you say?” and the little girl responds “Helen Fuckhour.”

Well, the nun was so upset about this that she went to the Mother Superior and says “Mother Superior — Do we have a Fuckhour?” and Mother Superior replies “Fuckhour, we don’t even get a coffee break!!!!!”

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious, comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he’s aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great.” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“Well, you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. So you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it’s our little secret…you know, woman to woman!”

The Catholic Church’s air conditioning broke down, so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man peeked down through one of the vents in the sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since the man was Baptist, he thought it would be funny to try and mess with the lady’s mind.

In his most authoritative voice, he said, “This is Jesus! Your prayers will be answered.”

The little old lady didn’t even blink, just kept on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she hadn’t heard him, so again he said, “This is JESUS, THE SON OF GOD! Your prayers will be answered!”

Again, she didn’t react at all. Mustering up a big breath of air, the man decided to try one more time. He really belted out, THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!!!”

Old Mrs. Murphy looked up and yelled, “SHUT UP! I’M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!!!”