Jokes News

Q: What do you call a virgin in the White House?

A: A woman that can run faster than Bill

This drunken old yahoo staggers into a bar with a frightened look on his face. “I need a drink right away!” The bartender asked what was wrong and the drunk explained, “I was on the street corner ‘paddling the pickle’ when a truck came by, grazed it, and knocked it out of my hand.” The bartender couldn’t beleive what he was hearing but the drunk swore it was true. “You see,” the drunk slurred, “I found it laying by the curb and put it here in my pocket.” He pulls out what he beleives to be his severed johnson and the bartender said, “You idiot, that’s just an old cigar!” The drunk says, “Oops, wrong pocket.” He reaches into his other pocket and shows the bartender. “What are you? Blind? That’s just another old cigar!” The drunk gets a very bad look on his face and said, “Oh my God, I just smoked my dick!”

THE PERFECT WOMAN

1. I wanna swallow it all…I love the taste.

2. Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink?

3. I’m bored. Wanna shave my pussy?

4. Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies?

5. That was a great fart. Do another.

6. I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.

7. You’re soooo sexy when you’re hungover.

8. I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.

9. Let’s subscribe to Hustler.

10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?

11. Let’s go down to the mall so you can check out women’s asses.

12. I’ll be outside mowing the lawn.

13. Honey, our neighbor’s daughter is sunbathing topless again. Come see.

14. I know it’s a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?

15. No, you watch the game. I’ll take the car to have the oil changed.

16. Do me a favor. I don’t want anything for Valentine’s Day. Buy yourself new clubs.

17. Don’t worry about our anniversary. You go hunting with the guys.

18. What do you say we get a good porno flick, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Debbie over for a threesome.

19. Oh, no, not the mall again. Let’s go to that new strip joint.

20. Baby, I make enough money for both of us. Why don’t you retire and get that handicap down to 7 or 8.

21. Sweetie, you need your sleep. I’ll do the night feedings.

22. God…if I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I’m gonna bust.

23. I signed up for yoga so I can get my ankles behind my head for you.

24. Would you like me to get implants?

25. Ahh ya big silly, those male strippers have nothing on you.

A couple of guys are sitting in a bar and notice this big muscular guy with this real little head. They try to talk each other into going over and asking him how it is possible that his body is so massive and his head is so little, but are afraid because it is quite obvious that this man spends a lot of time at the gym. As the night goes on they get slightly intoxicated and one of them gets brave enough to go over and ask him.

He approaches the strappin’ dude and tells him that he and his buddies are quite curious as to why his head is so little and the rest of his body is so large. The guy explains to them that while cleaning out his mother’s attic one day he stumbled upon this bottle. He tried to clean it up a bit by rubbing the dirt off of it, and a beautiful genie appeared — the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on. She told him that she had been in the bottle for over 70 years, and would like to thank him for releasing her by granting him one wish.

He told her that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and that his wish would be for her to have sex with him. Slightly offended, she replied, “I am sorry, but I am unable to grant that wish.” He then asked her, “Ok, then I’d like to wish for a hand job.” She replied indignantly, “Again, I am sorry. I am not able to grant that wish.” Feeling frustrated, he responded, “Well I guess a little head is out of the question?”

One day this old man goes to the doctor and says: “Doctor I don’t know what’s wrong, everywhere I touch it hurts. The doctor asks the old man to show him.

The old man takes his finger and starts to poke himself af various places on his body. The doctor noticed that everytime the old man poked himself, he would grimace with pain, so he proceded to take some X-rays.

A short while later, the doctor returns with the results of the tests. He says to the old man: “You have A BROKEN FINGER”.

This guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, you gotta help me. I have an orange dick.”

Well sure enough, the doc looked and it was orange. The doc said, “Take one of these and see me next week.”

The guy came back next week and said, “Doc, it didn’t help. My dick is still orange!”

The doc asked him what he did on a nightly basis.

The man replied, “I just watch pornos and eat Cheetos.”

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. “I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So, perhaps, you should just start at the very beginning.”

“Of course,” he replied. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth….”

Q: Why did the Mexican throw his wife out of the window?

A: Tequila!

q. If you’re American on the outside of a bathroom, what are you on the inside?

A. Europeeun

Your mama so dumb she threw a rock at the ground and missed.

Your mama so old I told her to act her age and she died.

Your mama so short she hang-glides on doritos.

Your mama so ugly her nickname is Damn!

Your mama like a bowling ball. she gets fingered, thrown, and comes back for more.

Your mama so fat she fell out a chair and went straight to hell.

Your mama so short she fights with Mrs. Buttersworth.

Your mama so dumb she tripped over a cordless phone.

Your mama so dumb she studies for a blood test.

Your mama so dumb she steals free samples.