Jokes News

Not likely to find these cards at your local Hallmark store….

“Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.”

“How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?”

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you.”

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:
What the heck was I thinking?”

“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.”

“If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it’s your sister.”

“As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!”

“Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.”

“Sorry things didn’t work out, but I can’t handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.”

“Happy Birthday! You look great for your age…Almost Lifelike!

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

“We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.”

“I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.”

“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
the father was?”

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday—so we’re having you put to sleep.”

“Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!” (available only in Arkansas)

An assistant to British Field Marshall Harold Alexander once commented on his habit of tipping into his Out tray any letters remaining in his In tray at the end of the working day.

“Excuse me, sir,” he asked. “Why do you do that?”

“It saves time,” explained Alexander. “You’d be surprised how little of it comes back.”

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.

The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95

Did you hear that McDonald’s has a new burger called the McMichael Jackson burger.

Its ingredients include old meat between fresh young buns.

1. “Oh, you had a bad day at work? Where’s my dinner?”

2. “I know this is the fifth night in a row I’ve been out with the guys, but it’s the Tyson fight.”

3. “I know it’s a 3-day golf weekend…we’ll make love when I get back, OK?”

4. “Are you retaining water this week?”

5. “I was only kidding…”

6. “Are you feeling ok? You look like shit.”

7. “Your best friend Debbie is such a bitch!”

8. “I’ll be right up after the Simpsons, OK?”

9. “You should see the new sexy, young employee that started today…”

10. “I don’t really care for cats.”

1. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
2. All stressed out and no one to choke.
3. And your point is…
4. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
5. Remember my name — you’ll be screaming it later.
6. You KNOW you want me.
7. Don’t worry. It’ll only seem kinky the first time…
8. Of course I don’t look busy… I did it right the first time.
9. I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
10. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
11. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
12. I hate everybody, and you’re next.
13. How can I miss you if you won’t go away?
14. If we are what we eat, I’m fast, cheap and easy.
15. Nobody knows I’m not wearing underwear

The following is from an ACTUAL 1950’s Home Economics textbook for High School girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life.

1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the propects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

3. Clear away clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, papers, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift also.

4. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noises of washer, dryer, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.

6. Some DONT’S: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lay down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment: instead, try to understand his world.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.

The Updated Version for the 90’s Woman:

1. Have dinner ready. Make reservations ahead of time. If your day becomes too hectic, just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you’d like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crummy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the Cinque counter on your way home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time he opens his mouth. (That’s what his credit cards are for.)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and tell her that any items left on the floor by the children can be placed in the Goodwill box.

4. Prepare the children: Send the children to their rooms to watch television or play Nintendo. After all, both of them are from his previous marriage.

5. Minimize the noise: If you happen to be home when he arrives, be in the bathroom with the door locked.

6. Some DONT’S: Don’t greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner…simply remind him that the leftovers are in the fridge and you left the dishes for him to do.

7. Make him comfortable: Tell him where he can find a blanket if he’s cold. This will really show you care.

8. Listen to him: But don’t ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or other places of entertainment.
Go with a friend or go shopping. Familiarize him with the phrase Girls Night Out!

A visitor in a small Southern town comes across a beautiful Nativity scene. It was obvious that great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothers the man - the three wise men are wearing firefighters helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or an explanation, the visitor gets in his car and heads out of town. At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, he stops and asks the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She flies into a rage and yells at the visitor, “You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!” The man assures her that he does, but simply can’t recall anything in the Bible. She jerks her Bible from behind the counter and ruffles through the pages, and finally jabs her finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face she says, “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise men came from afar.’”

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all worked in the same office together. After a few weeks, they began to notice that their boss would slip out unnoticed hours early. One day, the three of them got together and decided that they would leave work early the next day after their boss had left.

The following day, after their boss had left, the brunette, the redhead, and the blonde all left and went their separate ways. The brunette went home, cleaned the house, made dinner for her husband, and relaxed the rest of the day. The redhead went out shopping, went to aerobics class, and called all her girlfriends. The blonde went home, opened her bedrooom door, and found her boss in bed with her husband. Upon seeing this, she quietly closed the door and tip-toed out of the house.

The next day, the three of them were talking about how their half-day off went. The brunette said, “I would definitely do it again. I got so much accomplished.” The redhead agreed, “I did too. Let’s plan another day soon.” They then turn to the blonde who says, “I’m not sure I’d want to do that again. I almost got caught!”

What’s worse than an achy-breaky-heart?

An itchy-twitchy-twat.