Jokes News

You go up to a women and say, “You wanna play army?” If they say yes respond, “Then get down on the ground and blow my head off!”

Did you hear the drug store that was robbed?

All they took was the drug store’s total supply of viagara.

The police don’t know who did it, but they are on the look out for four hardened criminals.

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

He was somewhat annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick, and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. If any of you can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

He was extremely pleased with the response of his congregation, as well as with the substitute organist who, he finally realized, was playing, “The Star Spangled Banner.”

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn’t hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn’t waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, “You know, when I was your age I’d hit the ball right over that tree.”

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, “Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.”

Yo’ mama is so dumb she got hit by a parked car.

Yo’ mama so dumb she sold her car for gas money.

Two deputy sheriffs were at the crime scene investigating a gruesome double murder-suicide. They were in the bedroom where the crimes had been committed. On the kingsize bed, there lay a naked man who was shot in the head while beside the bed lay a dead woman who was also naked and shot in the heart. By the bedroom door lay the woman’s husband who had a bullet hole in the head and had a revolver in his right hand.

Deputy Sheriff Johnson said, “Hmmm it looked to me like that woman was having an afternoon delight with that man in bed when her husband walked in and shot them both dead out of rage and jealousy. The husband then turned the gun on himself - maybe out of guilt or grief for what he had done.”

Nodding his head as if in agreement, Deputy Sheriff Mead said, “Not a pretty sight. Let’s wait for Sheriff Brown before we get these bodies to the morgue.”

While waiting for the sheriff, Deputy Sheriff Johnson said, “I wonder what the sheriff would say about all this?”

“Like what he always says,” replied Deputy Sheriff Mead. “Something like ‘It coulda been worse.’”

“What? How could anything be worse than this?”

“Well, all I can say is that’s what the sheriff would probably say.”

“Hell! I’m willing to bet ten dollars that the sheriff won’t be saying that.”

“Okay you’re on!”

A few minutes later, Sheriff Brown walked into the bedroom and surveyed the crime scene. When Deputy Sheriff Mead briefed him on the situation, Sheriff Brown shook his head and said, “Well, boys. It coulda been worse.”

Deputy Sheriff Mead cast a furtive look at Deputy Sheriff Johnson who then spoke up, “Aww, Sheriff, how can you say that? What could be worse than this?”

Taking his hat off to scratch his head, Sheriff Brown sheepishly said, “Well, for one thing, I could have been that dead guy on the bed had her husband walked in here yesterday.”

Names to Use in Prank Calls:

Hugh G. Rection
Jim Nassium
Claire Voyence
Buster Hyman
Anita Moore (Roger’s Mom)
Dick Peede
Mike Hunt
Mai Dixie Wrecked
Jon Doe’s brother Dil

EuroEnglish

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, ’s’ will be used instead of the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard ‘c’ will be replaced with ‘k.’ Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced by ‘f’. This will make words like ‘fotograf’ 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik kseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent ‘e’s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ by ‘z’ and ‘w’ by ‘v’. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords containing ‘ou’, and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

There’s this kid whose name is Jonny Humperfaster.

One day he goes up to this girl he really likes. “Come over to my house,” he says. The girl says, “Well okay.”

So they get into his house and says, “Go into my room.” She gets inside his room. He says, “Now take off all your clothes.” So she did what he said. And now he says, “Get on my bed.” So she did so.

When his mom walks into his room to call him for dinner and sees her son humping the girl, she yells, “JONNY HUMPERFASTER!!!” He says, “I am, Mom! I am!!!!”

Q: What happened when the blue ship sankin the Red Sea?

A: The sailors were marooned.

Q: What do you call something that’s long, hard, and full of seamen?

A: A Submarine

Q: What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

A: Snowballs