Jokes News

What is the speed limit for sex?

68, because once you hit 69 you have to turn around.

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

So she decided to be considerate and not rouse him this time. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find him sitting up in bed, reading.

“My Gawd!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose EVERYTHING?!?”

Being a bit down on his luck, a man goes door-to-door looking for work. Finally at one very nice looking house a compassionate woman offers the man work painting the porch out back.

She figures it will take about two hours and offers the man $20 to do the job. He agrees. She gives him a gallon of green paint and a brush and he goes behind the house to work.

Barely a half hour later he knocks on the door, explains that he has finished the work and would like to get paid.
The woman expresses surprise that he has finished so quickly and wonders if he did a good job. The man assures her that he did a wonderful job.

“But” he says, “I have to tell you, it really isn’t a Porch, it’s a Ferrari !”

Dr. Masters and Dr. Johnson were discussing the performance of Nurse Ratchett who seemed to have trouble understanding the simplest instruction.

Dr. Masters said, “I notice Nurse Ratchett always mixes up the words in any instruction I give her. Why, just recently, I told her to give Mr. Jones an injection of two-milligrams of morphine every 10 hours. What she did was to give him an injection of 10-milligrams every two hours. Mr. Jones damn near died on us!”

“Tell me about it,” concurred Dr. Johnson. “Just yesterday I told Nurse Ratchett to give Mr. Bell one enema every 24 hours. Instead she gave him 24 enemas in one hour. Mr. Bell damn near exploded!”

Just then a bloodcurdling scream was heard from one of the hospital wards. The two doctors rushed to the source of the scream.

“Oh oh,” said Dr. Johnson. “I just remembered! I told Nurse Ratchett this morning to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

A sad-faced man came into the flower shop early one morning. I was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, but this time I guessed wrong. He wanted a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

“And what day will that be?” I asked.

Glumly, he replied, “Yesterday.”

A country boy has come into some money and decides he will go to town. Having never been to town before he strolls up and down the streets looking at the stores, when he comes to a barber shop. “Well,” he says. “I have never had a city hair cut, I think I will get one.”

He goes in and sits down and the barber says, “What can I do for you?”

Country boy says, “I want the works, everything, I can pay for it!”

So the barber starts cutting, and in a little while he says, “Would you like a singe?” Country boy says, “I said I want the works, everything.”

This shop has a good looking, well built manicurist, wearing a tight knit, almost see through shirt and she walks over and asks if he want a manicure. He says, “I want the works, everything!” So she starts working on him, all the while rubbing those big breasts up against him and looking at him with those big eyes.

In a few minutes she asks, “Shall I push back the cuticle?”

He says, “Just kiss me, it will roll back by itself.”

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.

It went like this: “Some parents,” she said, “tell the older child, ‘We love YOU so much that we decided to bring another child into this family.’ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much that I”ve decided to bring home another wife.’”

One of the women spoke up, immediately, and said, “Does she cook???”

An old guy comes home in the middle of the day and finds his young blonde wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string and 7 inch steel heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

“What happened here?” he asks.

“I think the waterbed’s busted,” says the trembling wife.

Just then a naked guy floats by.

“Who’s that?” demands the husband.

“I dunno. Must be a lifeguard.”

The other day I had the opportunity to drop by my department head’s office. He’s a friendly guy and, on the rare opportunities that I have to pay him a visit, we have had enjoyable conversations.

While I was in his office, I asked him, “Sir, what is the secret of your success?”

He said, “Two words.”

“And, Sir, what are they?”

“Right decisions.”

“But how do you make right decisions?”

“One word,” he responded.

“And, Sir, what is that?”

“Experience.”

“And how do you get experience?”

“Two words.”

“And, Sir what are they?”

“Wrong decisions.”

Film actor Victor Mature once applied for membership in the exclusive Los Angeles Country Club, only to be told “We don’t accept actors.”

“I’m no actor,” Mature protested, “and I’ve sixty-four pictures to prove it.”