Jokes News

Student: Why does that person keep riding his bike in circles???

Doctor:He’s cycle logically impaired

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

Gus was this really big guy who desperately wanted to lose weight but nothing worked. So Gus went to see the doctor.
“Doctor, please tell me how to lose weight.”

“Sure” the doctor said, “all you have to do is eat through your arse and it wont go through your body so you can’t put on weight.”

2 months later…..
The doctor sees Gus up the street, “WOW Gus, you look great, but what’s with that terrible limp?”

Gus replies, “I’m chewing a minty.”

One day a pimp walked down to the pond. There he saw a chick, the chick said, “Hey baby, wanna get it on tonight?!”
The pimp then said, “Sure I’ll be there 12 after 12.”
“I’ll go on the top because it will be easier, okay!”
The pimp then said, “Okay, I’ll meet you on the corner of Robson street, will that be fine?”
The chick said, “Okay.”

So they met there that night. The chick was there and she saw him so she started doing the “deed” with him. Then that morning the chick saw the turtle, the chick said, “Ohhhhh baby you were sooooooo good last night … a little hard and cold though!!”

The pimp said, “That wasn’t me I was at my grandma’s.”
The chick then said, “So you weren’t the tall skinny guy with the “STOP” posted on your forehead — what was that all about?”

HAHAHAHA Do you get it??????

Q:Why did the stoner cross the road?
A:Well who the hell else would chase a chicken!

Tarzan decided to return to civilization with Jane and their son. He also decided to find work in the city. This was how his job interview went :

Interviewer : Name?

Tarzan : Me, Tarzan.

Interviewer : Married?

Tarzan : Wife Jane.

Interviewer : Children?

Tarzan : Son Boy.

Interviewer : Anything else to your name besides Tarzan?

Tarzan : Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle.

Interviewer : Jane’s whole name?

Tarzan : Jane’s hole named Pussy.

Children were called upon in class to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher.

The teacher smiled when Jack, a slow learner, raised his hand to participate during the challenge of making a sentence with the words “Defeat,” “Defense,” “Deduct,” and “Detail.”

Jack stood thinking for a bit, all eyes focused on him, while his classmates awaited his reply. Smiling, he then proudly shouted out, “DEFEAT of DEDUCT went over DEFENSE before DETAIL!!!”

Harry says, “Doc, I think I’ve got a sex problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring her with you.”

The next day, Harry shows up with his wife.

The doctor says to the wife, “Take off your clothes and lie on the table.”

She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down.

He pulls Harry to the side and says, “You’re fine. She doesn’t give me a hard-on either.”

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe say’s to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.” “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money.” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars…a lot cheaper than a doctor.” So Joe deposits a small sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for a urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shoping at Wal-Mart.” That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and waits for the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softner. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bath him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get an lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank You for shoping at Wal-Mart.

I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet Coke, or cottage cheese.
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers,
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why, get all bitter and surly.
I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won’t cry if you say it’s not going to work.
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.
Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a man, you see.
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery.
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days.
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!