Jokes News

Q: Why don`t midgets use tampons?

A: They keep tripping on the string.

PersonA approaches the bus stop and inquires from personB with a stammer… “H…h.has..th..th..the b..bus n..number f..f…f…46 p..p..passed?”

PersonB sits still, and doesn’t answer.

Once again, personA asks….”H…h.has..th..th..the b..bus n..number f..f…f…46 p..p..passed?”

Again, personB sits still, not answering.

With alot of determination, personA asks, “H…h.has..th..th..the b..bus n..number f..f…f…46 p..p..passed?”

PersonB still doesn’t answer.

Just then, a bus 46 arrives, and personA gets in and goes.
In the meantime, two men standing at the bus stop wonder silently why personB didn’t say a word.

Another bus comes and personB and the other two men get in. One of the men asks personB, “Why didn’t you answer the man who asked you a question?”

PersonB looks at him and answers… “H….h…..he.. w..w..would h..h…have th..th…thought..t th..th..th..at I w..was m..mm..mak..k..ing f..f..fun o..of h..h..him!”

Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom, because it represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed?

A man wanted to give his wife a pet for her birthday so he went into a pet store and asked for something different. Then he saw something really different: a skunk. Well, he bought it and gave it to his wife. She looked at her husband and said, “Are you crazy? What do you think I am going to do with this?”

Becoming mad that she didn’t like his gift to her, he replied, “I don’t care, grow yourself a damn coat.”

She asked, “Where do you think I can keep it?”

“Put him in our bedroom.”

She said, “What about the smell?”

He said, “Let the the dawm thing get used to it the same way I had to!”

The blonde had been married about a year when one day she came running up to her husband, jumping for joy.

Not knowing exactly how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.

“Why are we so happy?” he asked.

“Honey, I have some really great news for you!” she said.

“Great!” he said. “Tell me what you’re so happy about.”

She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down. “I’m pregnant!” she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn’t be happier.

Then she said, “Oh, Honey, there’s more.”

“What do you mean ‘more’?” he asked.

“Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

“It was easy,” she said. “I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2-pack home pregnancy test kit, and both tests came out positive!”

Once upon a time, Sam The Clam and Myrtle The Turtle fell in love. Sam Clam, as Myrtle would call him, owned a discotheque and every night both would dance and dance until the wee hours of the morning. One early evening, tragedy struck and Myrtle The Turtle passed away and went to heaven. When she arrived at the pearly gates, St. Peter gave her the customary angel’s wings, a halo, and a harp, and evaluated her life. “Myrtle, you died without warning and since you were such a good and decent turtle when you were alive, I’ll allow you to return to earth for a few hours so you can say goodbye to your loved ones. But you must be back before midnight or you won’t be able to reenter heaven!”

So Myrtle The Turtle returned to earth to say her last goodbyes. As midnight approached, St. Peter stood at the gates, waiting for her.

Twelve midnight came and went…no Myrtle.
Twelve fifteen came and went…no Myrtle.
Twelve thirty came and went…no Myrtle!
Twelve forty-five came and went…no Myrtle!!

Finally at one o’clock, Myrtle appeared. St. Peter told her how angry and disappointed he was in her. Myrtle began to cry and explained, “It’s not my fault, St. Peter. Sam and I spent the night dancing in his disco. We had so much fun. I left to return here in plenty of time. But halfway here, I realized I had forgotten something, so I went back to get it. That’s why I’m late.” St. Peter asked, “What could have been so important that you HAD to go back and get it?” Myrtle, still crying, replied, “I left my harp in Sam Clam’s disco.”

Q.
What did the canabals Mother give the Canabal when he arrived late for dinner?

A.
The cold shoulder!!

Two blondes were sitting in a booth at a local restaurant when, they overheard a man telling his buddy “stupid blonde” jokes.

Then, one blonde said to the other, “I hate people that think all blondes are stupid. Because, I think I’m a really smart blonde.” Then the other blonde said, “Prove that guy wrong. Go home and learn all the capitals to all the states. And we’ll come back and prove him wrong.”

So, the blonde went home and learned every capital of every state.

When the two blondes returned to the restaurant, the man was there again with his buddy, telling stupid blonde jokes.
So, the blonde walked up to him and said “Please don’t tell stupid blonde jokes. We’re not all stupid. I’ve learned every capital to every state.”

And the man said “Impressive…what’s the capital to Wyoming?”

And the blonde replied, “W!”

A man walks into a bar and asks for a shot. After he drinks it he looks into his shirt pocket shakes his head and asks for another one.

This goes on for a few hours until the bartender starts getting curious. He walks up to the man and asks him what the hell he’s doing.

“This is the way it goes”, he answers, “I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I drink until she looks good and then I can finally go home.”

The same man is walking through a mountain path. After walking for five days he finds a cave on the mountain side. He goes inside and finds a lantern.

While he’s trying to light it he accidentally rubs it and *poof*, a genie appears. “You are my master”, the genie says. “Your wish is my command, tell me any single wish and I will grant it”.

The man is totally astounded and shakingly asks, “I wish you could make Iraq be at peace with the world”.

The genie, quite embarrassed, answers, “Listen I’d love to grant your wish but I don’t know where that is.”

The man answers, “Well I got a picture of my wife here. My
wish is that you make her beautiful.”

The genie takes one look at the picture and quickly replies, “Where did you say this Iraq is?”

Q. Why did the Pollock in 2nd grade have the biggest penis?

A. Because he was 16!!!