Jokes News

Riddle me this…

Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth.
One is walking a tightrope.
The other is getting a blowjob from a 90 year old woman.
Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time.
What is it?
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>Don’t look down.

Jerry had heard a family rumor that his father, grandfather and even his great-grandfather had all “walked on water” on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, he and his good friend, Brian, headed out to the lake. “If THEY could do it, so can I!” Jerry told Brian.

Jerry and Brian arrived at the lake and rented a boat. They paddled out to the middle. Jerry stepped off the side of the boat…and almost drowned!

Furious, he had Brian drive him back to the family farm, and he asked his grandmother why HE hadn’t been blessed with the same “gift” as the other men in his family.

Grandmother took Jerry by the hands, looked into his eyes, and said, “Dear, that’s because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July.

A man enters a cafe and sits down. He notices that the special of the day is chili.

When the waitress comes to take his order he says, “I would like a bowl of chili.”

“I’m sorry, the gentleman next to you got the last bowl,” says the waitress.

“I’ll just have coffee then,” the man says.

After a while, he notices that the guy next to him is finishing a rather large meal and the chili is still there.

So, he asks, “Are you going to eat that bowl of chili?”
The other man replies, “No.”

“Would you sell it to me?”

“No, but you can have it for free.”

So he takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl.

The other man says, “That’s just what I did too.”

Two men, being best friends, decided to play a round of golf.

About halfway through the course, they discovered that they were constantly having to wait for the two women who were playing the hole ahead of them.

Finally, the first man says to the second, “I’ll go and ask if we can play through.” His friend agrees, and off he goes.

Suddenly, he stops short, pauses, turns and hurries back.

“What’s wrong?” inquires his friend.

“I can’t ask if we can play through.”

“Why not?”

“Well, one of the women is my wife…”

“So?”

“The other is my mistress.”

“Well, that could be a problem. Okay, I’ll go ask if we can play through.”

The second man hurries across the green, only to suddenly stop, pause and hurry back.

“What’s wrong?” inquires the first man.

“Small world, isn’t it?” replies the second.

What is the difference between Abe Lincoln and Bill Clinton?

Abe Lincoln got his head on a penny, Bill Clinton gets his head in the oval office!!!

Two blondes were vacationing in Ontario, Canada when they drove past a roadsign which said PENETANGUISHENE 30 km.

They argued for the next twenty minutes about how to pronounce Penetanguishene when the driver said to her friend, “You’re just an ignorant slut, Candy.”

And Candy replied “And you’re just a stubborn donkey-fucker, Gloria.”

And Candy said, “Let’s have lunch.”

So, inside the restaurant, Gloria said to the guy behind the counter, “Hey, Sport, do us a favor and pronounce where we are very slowly.”

“OK, Miss, listen closely…
Burrrrrr-grrrrrrr Kiiiiiing.”

A little boy asked, “Mommy Mommy, can I take a shower with you?” She said, “Yes, if you promise not to look down and up.” When they took the shower the litle boy looked up and said, “Mommy Mommy, what’s that?”

She said, “Those are my lights.”

The little boy looked down he said, “Mommy Mommy, what is that?”

She said, “That’s my grass.”

The next day he asked his father, “Daddy Daddy, can I take a shower with you?” He said, “Yes, if you promise not to look down.” So they went in the shower. The little boy looked down and said, “Daddy Daddy, what’s that?”

The Dad said, “That is my snake.” That night the little boy asked his parents, “Mommy, Daddy, can I sleep with you?” They said, “Yes, but don’t look under the covers.”

The little boy looked under the covers and said, “Mommy Daddy quick turn on the lights - there is a snake in the grass!!”

A dwarf goes to a farmer one day and tells him, “I’d like to buy a horth.” The farmer is in a hurry to get somewhere but tells him, “Okay, I’ll quickly show you this horse but I got to get going.”

The dwarf looks at the horse and says, “Can I thee her eyeth? You can tell a lot about a horth from her eyeth.” The farmer picks up the dwarf and the dwarf looks at the horse’s eyes.

The dwarf then says, “Can I thee her feet? You can tell a lot about a horth from her feet.” So he looks at the horses feet.

Then the farmer says, “Okay, I got to get going, do you want the horse or not?” The dwarf says, “Just one more thing, can I thee her twat?” The farmer has had all he can take. He takes the dwarf, shoves him up the horses twat and spins him around a few times. The dwarf falls out coughing and sputtering and says, “Maybe I should rephrath that. Can I see her run?”