Jokes News

One day a man was at home with his dog when the dog fell over as if he had passed out.

The man took his dog to the vet and asked the vet what was wrong with his dog. The vet answered, “Your dog is dead sir.”

The man insisted that the vet was wrong and demanded a second opinion, so the vet brought in a cat.

The cat walked around the dog and let out a loud meow. The vet said, “See, I told you he was dead.” But still the man wanted another opinion.

The vet went and got a Black Labrador. He put the Lab on the table and he sniffed the other dog. He turned around and let out a loud bark.

Once again, the vet said, “I told you he was dead. Are you satisfied now?”

“I suppose so,” said the man. “How much do I owe you?”

The vet replied, “Eight hundred dollars.”

The man questioned why it was so much just to tell him his dog was dead.

“Well, it would have only costed you $50, but you now have to also pay for a cat scan and a lab test.”

What do you call lesbian indians?

Fur Traders

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won’t buy a car if it can’t go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words in the “Star Spangled Banner”.

We’ll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We whip an enemy in battle, then give them the shirt off our backs.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

We get upset we’re spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We’re supposed to be the most civilized nation on earth, but we still can’t deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

We’re the country that has more food to eat than any other country in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, “I like both.”

“Both?”

“Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done.”

What do you call a dog with no legs and steel balls?

SPARKY!!!!!!!!!!!

So far today, God, I’ve done all right. I haven’t gossiped, haven’t lost my temper, haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or ever-indulgent. I’m really glad about that.

But in a few minutes, God, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help.

Thank you, in Jesus name, Amen.

Q: Why don’t blondes eat pickles?

A: They keep getting their heads stuck in the jar.