Jokes News

Have you purchased your new Clinton computer?

It comes with a six inch hard drive and no memory.

In Turkey people place a half-filled glass of water next to their bed just before they got to sleep. Why half-filled? Because if they wake up during the night they may want to drink water… or they may not!

Recently, a radio talk show host in Portland, Ore., asked her audience to come up with an official name for the new Clinton $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, New York. Her call-in contest required the names to be in relatively good taste, original, and should capture the essence of one or both of the Clintons.

The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated for the Clinton’s new home included:

Perjurers’ Palace
HillBilly Villa
The House of Bill’s Repute
Drawers Downs
Cheatem Estates
Castle of Contempt
Sin Simeon
The House That Terry Bought
The Knee Pad
The White Trash House
The Blight House
The Panderosa
Liars’ Lair
Bill & Hill’s Bribe & Breakfast
The Clinton Compost
Dogpatch on the Hudson
Rancho Immoral
Deceitful Domicile
Monica’s Man’s Manor
The Hen House
The Out House
The Big House
The Love Shack
Lucifer’s Lair
The House of Seven Felonies
Cottage of Contempt

But the clear, hands-down winner was-

DISGRACELAND

Sven and and his wife, Ola, a couple of Norwegians, now living in Minnesota, head for the fair in Duluth. The first thing to catch Sven’s eye is the big double ferris wheel.

“Oh, Ole,” he says, “vould you look at dat! I’ve always vanted to go on von of dose big ferris veels. Let’s go ride on dat von.”

Ole, not being as adventurous as her husband, Sven, says, “Oh, I don’t tink so. Dat looks kind of dangerous to me.”

“Vell,” says Sven, “you give me yust von good reason vhy you von’t go vit me on dat ride.”

Ole couldn’t come up with a good reason, so up they went. Ole had to admit afterwards that the ride was kind of fun.

After another 10 or 15 minutes, they came to the roller coaster. “Oh, Ole,” says Sven, “Vould you look at dat! Dat’s von fine-looking roller coaster. I tink ve should go for a ride on dat.”

“Oh, I don’t tink so,” says Ole. “Dat looks very dangerous to me.”

“Vell,” says Sven. “You give me yust von good reason vhy you von’t go vit me on dat roller coaster.”

Again, Ole couldn’t come up with a good reason, so she went with him up on the roller coaster. Ole had to admit after the ride that it wasn’t so bad.

After another 10 minutes or so, they came to the bungee jump. “Oofdah!” exclaimed Sven. “Vill you yust look at dat, Ole!!! Dose people yump off dat big tower vit nuttink but a rubber band tied to dare ankles. Dat looks like so much fun! Com one, let’s go do it!”

“Oh, I don’t tink so,” says Ole. “Dat’s much too dangerous! DIS is vare I draw da line.”

“Vell,” says Sven, “you give me yust von good reason vhy you von’t go up on dat tower and yump off vit me.”

“Ya, I give you a good reason,” says Ole. “I came into dis vorld because of a broken rubber and, by yimminy, I’m not going to leave it da same vay!!!”

1: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A mental block!

2: What do you say to a blonde that won’t give in?
“Have another beer.”

3: What’s a blonde’s favorite wine?
“Daddy! I want to go to Miami

4: Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde are walking down the street. They spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?
Nobody. The first four don’t exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

5: A Policeman pulls over a blonde in a sports car over for speeding. While he is trying to explain to her what and where her driver’s license is. Finally, after she gives him her driver’s license, he asks for registration. Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains, “It’s that little piece of paper with you get with your car and you keep it in the glove compartment.” Excited “Ah,” she says as she bends over to get it.

While she is tearing throught the glove compartment, the officer unzips his pants and pulls his ‘member’ out. Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up. A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, “Oh, no!!! Not another breathalizer test!”

6: Why did they call the blonde twinkie?
She like to be filled with cream.

7: How do you change a blonde’s mind?
Blow in her ear.

8: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
I don’t know, there are some things even a blonde won’t do.

9: There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The DJ was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, “You bimbo, it’s blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I’d come out there and give you what’s coming to you!”

10: Why don’t blondes call 911 in an emergency?
They can’t remember the number.

11: Why do blondes look up and snile at lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

12: Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called “How to Hug”? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume 7 of an encyclopedia.

13: A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:
Brunette: “I’ll have a B and C.”
Bartender: “What is a B and C?”.
Brunette: “Bourbon and Coke.”
Redhead: “And, I’ll have a G and T.”
Bartender: “What’s a G and T?”
Redhead: “Gin and tonic.”
Blonde: “I’ll have a 15.”
Bartender: “What’s a 15?”
Blonde: “7 and 7″

14: What’s the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline!

15: What is a bellybutton for?
It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

16: What do UFO’s and smart blondes have in common?
You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

17: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop.

18: A blond and a brunette jump off the Empire State Building. It takes thelond 3 minutes longer to hit the ground than it does or the brunette. Why?
She had to stop to ask for directions

19: A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun — they just don’t remember who with.

20: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity?
B.J.

21: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head?
Sweet —- All

22: What did the blonde’s mom say to her before the blonde’s date?
If you’re not in bed by 12, come home.

23: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.

24: Why can’t blondes count to 70?
Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

25: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved.

26: Why do blondes have square breasts?
Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box!!!

27: Why do blondes have more fun?
Because they don’t know any better.

28: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
She turned it over and used the other side.

29: What did the blonde customer say to the waitress when reading her nametag?
“Debbie…that’s cute. What did you name the other one?”

30: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.

31: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

32: How does a blond turn the light on after sex?
She opens the door.

33: Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic Genie’s lamp The Genie came out and said: “I will grant three wishes, one for each of you.”

The first said, “I wish I were smarter.” So she became a redhead.

The second blonde said, “I wish I were smarter than her.” She became a brunette.

The third blonde said, “I wish I were smarter than both of them.” So she became a man.

34: How do you keep a blond in suspense?
Tell you later!

35: What do blondes say after sex?
“Thanks, guys!”

36: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
More leg room!

37: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?
Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

38: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
She fell out of the tree.

39: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
She didn’t know what ONE came first…

40: How can you confuse a blond?
Put her in a round room and tell her to site in the corner.

41: How is a blonde like a postage stamp?
You lick’em, stick’em, and send’em on their way.

42: Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
“Oh, it’s not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. We’re just going to sell drinks!!!

43: How do blond brain cells die?
Alone

44: What do you call a blond with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant!

45: What’s a blonde’s idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.

46: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
“Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.”

47: A blonde was telling a priest a Polish joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, “Don’t you know I’m Polish?”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” the blonde apologizes, “Do you want me to start over and talk slower?”

48: What did the blonds left leg say to her right?
Nothing, they’ve never met!

49: What is a blonde’s idea of dental floss?
Pubic hair.

50: A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met St. Peter who said, “Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test.”

“Oh, no!” she said, but St. Peter said not to worry he’d make it easy.

“Who was God’s son?” said St. Peter.

The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said, “Andy!”

“That’s interesting… What made you say that?” asked St. Peter.

Then she started to sing, “Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me…”

51: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they’re screwed.

52: What’s the difference between a blond on her back and a turtle on it’s back?
None, they are both screwed!

53: A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his light and says, “Open wide”.

“I can’t,” replies the blonde, “the chair’s fitted with arms.”

54: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A branch manager.

55: Why did God create blondes?
Because sheep can’t bring beer from the fridge.

55a: Why did God create brunettes?
Neither could the blondes.

56: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.

57: What do call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

58: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.

59: Why do blondes take the pill?
So they know what day of the week it is.

60: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
The Grand Old Duke of York only ‘had’ 10,000 men.

61: What’s the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
It costs 10p to use a telephone!

62: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus

63: After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it
in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, “Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those.”

64: What do blondes and McDonald’s have in common?
Over five billion served

65: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won’t follow you around for a week!

66: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted

67: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together?
They heard under seventeen weren’t admitted!!!

68: A gorgeous young blonde woman gets sick and tired of men trying to pick her up in bars because she’s beautiful, blonde, and so men thought she was easy.

One day, she decides to show everyone. She goes home and decides to smarten herself up. She decides to learn the capitals of all the fifty states. Week after week she practices until she knows them all. Finally, she is once again ready to go back to the bar. She sits down and
after a few seconds and guy comes up to her and starts hitting on her. It is soon evident that he just wants to take her home and have sex with her.

The lovely blonde says emphatically, “But I’m not just beautiful! I’m smart too!!”

“Yeah, yeah. I believe you,” says the young stud. “Now let’s go.”

Again she protests. “No, really I am smart. I know the capitals of all the states.”

The guy starts walking away, getting sick of her. She follows him. “Really, go ahead ask me a state. I’ll give you its capital and show you how smart I am.”

Just to get rid of her, the guy says, “Fine. What’s the capital of New Mexico?”

The breathtaking blonde looks at him proudly and says. “New Mexico has two capitals: ‘N’ and ‘M’.”

69: Three pregnant women, again a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde, are sitting in a room trying to figure out who’s the father of their babies.
The brunette says “My baby’s either Steve’s or Jim’s.”
The redhead says “Mine’s either John’s or Bob’s.”
The blonde thought for a moment then said in a puzzled voice “I wonder if it’s mine.”

70: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
They both have a black box.

71: What do you call a blonde that just won the lottery?
Easy money

72: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
Tell her that she’s pregnant.

73: What’s the difference between a blonde and a limo?
Not everyone’s been in a limo!

74: A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.

The redhead said, “My boyfriend’s like 7-Up. He’s seven inches long and he’s always up.”

The brunette said, “My boyfriend’s like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the mountains all the time.”

The blonde said, “My boyfriend’s like Jack Daniels.”

The brunette cut in, “You can’t use Jack Daniels. That’s a hard liquor.”

A smile crossed the blonde’s face. “I know.”

75: What does a blonde say when asked if her blinker light is on?
They’re broken, they’re working, they’re not working, working, not working….

76: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

77: There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.

The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, “I’m going to try to swim to shore.” So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, “I wonder if she made it. I guess it’s better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.” So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she was too tired to go on, then she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, “I wonder if they made it! I think I’d better try to make it, too.”

So she swam out 19 miles from the island. The mainland was just in sight, but she said, “I’m too tired to go on!” So she swam back to the island.

78: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory?
Because she threw out all the W’s.

79: How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

80: How do you confuse a blonde?
You don’t. They’re born that way.

81: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
From dating blonde men.

82: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

83: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade 4

84: A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers. She walks up to the pharmacist and asks “How much for a box of rubbers?”

“They’re $1 for a box of 3,” he replied, “Plus 6
cents for the tax.”

“Oh,” said the blonde, “I wondered how they kept them on.”

Q: What do blondes and turtles have incommon?

A: Once they are on their backs they are fucked.

Q. What did Adam say when he first saw Eve?
A: Wo Man

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord’s Prayer.

For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother.

One night she said she was ready to solo.

The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end…”And lead us not into temptation”, she prayed, “but deliver us some e-mail. Amen.”

There was a competition to find out who the smartest man in the world was. In this competition, there was only one rule, you can’t talk. So it all comes down to a Buddhist priest and an Irish man.

So the priest starts out by holding up one finger. The Irish man holds up two fingers. The Buddhist priest holds up three fingers and the Irish man holds up a fist. The priest holds up a small circle with one hand. The Irish man holds up a big circle with his hands over his head. The priest falls over backwards in his chair and the Irish man wins.

So two months later, in India, one of the priest’s followers asks how he lost. The priest said, “I held up unity and he held up duality. So I held up holy trinity (even though I’m Buddhist). He held up earth and so I thought what could be better than that. I held up universe and he held up infinity.”

Back in a pub in Ireland, the Irish man had a different interpretation: “He said, ‘I kick your ass one time’ and I said ‘I kick your ass two times’. So he said, ‘I kick your ass three times’ and I said, ‘Well I’ll shove this up your ass’. So he said, ‘well my asshole is only this big’ and I said, ‘Well I’ll make it this big!’”

Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.

Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.

Photons have mass!!?? I didn’t even know they were Catholic…

Here’s to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra

A diagnostic is someone who doesn’t know whether there are two gods.

Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?