Jokes News

Q) Why are blonde girls belly buttons bruised?

A) Because blonde guys arent that smart either.

Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and everyone else???

A: Everone else gets AIDS from sex, but Bill Clinton gets sex from AIDES!!!

What you call a turtle with an erection?

A slow poke….

Whats Bill Cliton’s idea of safe sex?

When Hillary’s not around!

Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.

“Your wife makes a delicious roast,” one chief said.

“Thanks,” his friend said, “I’m gonna miss her.”

“You know,” says the first, “I don’t like my mother-in-law.”

The other one replies, “Then just eat the vegetables.”

A poor Jamaican fisherman was shipwrecked on a desert island. He had lost his boat, his livelihood and possessions. He was trudging round the island in a dejected mood when he came across an old brass lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin (and the role of magic lamps in jokes) he rubbed it.

POOF! A Genie appeared. A Jewish Genie.

“Vey!” he said. “Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I bin in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?”

The Jamaican asked if the Genie granted wishes.”Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I’ll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins”

“Well,” said the Jamaican after some consideration “I’d like to be white and surrounded by women.”

“No problem” said the Genie, POOF! - the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon.

Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie - there’s always a string attached.

In days of old
when knights were bold
and women weren’t invented,
they drilled a hole
in a tree or pole
and shoved in quite contented!

There was a young lad named Herkin
who was always jerkin his gherkin
His mother said “Herkin,
stop jerkin your gherkin,
your gherkin’s for ferkin, Herkin!

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than it does today ?

We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death…

The wife chewed out her husband at the company picnic awhile back.

“Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”

“Not a bit,” the husband replied. “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

Santa’s Checkride

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for the sled’s enormous payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in, fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in, carrying to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.

“What’s that for?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this, but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”