Jokes News

Joe said, “Know what, Charlie? I killed 5 flies yesterday, 3 males and 2 females.”

“How could you tell them apart, Joe? asked Charlie.

“Joe replied, “It was easy. The 3 males were sitting ono a case of beer, and the 2 females were on the phone.”

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws.

At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then the man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. By this time, everyone had left the bar and driven off.

Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. However, the police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. With a smile on his face, the driver replied, “Tonight, I’m the designated decoy!”

One evening a man was eating peanuts by throwing them in the air and catching them in his mouth. As he threw one in the air, his wife asked him a question. When the man turned his head, the peanut fell in his ear. He tried to get it out, but his fingers were too big. His wife tried to get the peanut out with a pair of tweezers, but just pushed it in farther. They finally decided to go to the hospital.

As they were about to leave, their daughter and her date came home. They told them their situation and the daughter’s date explained that he was hoping to enter med school and that he could get it out for him.

He then put his two fingers in her father’s nose and told him to blow real hard. It worked and the peanut popped out.

The daughter and her date went upstairs and the man and his wife talked about how smart the boy was coming up with that idea.

The man’s wife asked, “I wonder what he’s going to be when he grows up?”

The man says, “From the smell of his fingers, I’d say he’s going to be our son-in-law.”

Sunday dinner with my mother, Adah, my father, Fred, and my three siblings was always a lively event. On one occasion, all of us, except my mother, were in a silly mood, and we began requesting, in rhyme, items at the table.

“Please pass the meat, Pete.”

“May I have a potatah, Adah.”

“I’d give you the moon for a spoon.”

After several minutes of this, my mother had heard enough.

“Stop this nonsense right now! Let’s have some meaningful conversation!” she shouted.

“It’s Sunday, and I would like to enjoy my dinner with some GOOD conversation and not all this foolish chatter.”

The she sat down, still in a huff, turned to my father and snapped, “Pass the bread, Fred!”

Two convicted murderers, who were sentenced to die by lethal injection on the same day, were led to the room where they would meet their Maker. The last rites were performed by the priest, the formal speech was given by the warden and the final prayers were said by the participants. Turning to the first man to die, the warden solemnly asked, “Son, do you have any last request?”

“Yes sir, I do,” replied the condemned man. “I love dance music. Could you please play ‘The Macarena’ for me one last time?”

“Certainly,” replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, “Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?”

“Please, I beg you,” pleaded the second man. “Kill me first.”

The tour guide at the Hoover Dam began the tour by saying, “I am your dam guide…

After this dam tour, please don’t ask me any dam questions. Furthermore, you are not allowed to take any dam pictures. If you do I will confiscate your dam cameras and I know that you won’t be dam happy.”

Sage Advice on Winning the Man of Your Dreams

Many women are under the impression that if they are attractive, conscientious and treat a guy really well, they have a chance of winning their guy. But let’s be honest: has this ever really worked for you? Probably not. There’s a much more effective method. It may seem insane, but it works!

To capture the man of your dreams, this is what you must do:

1) Act like you really, really like him. But just for a while.

2) Then suddenly (with no explanation) tell him that you need “your space”. Tell him that you’re “really confused” and that you “just need to think for a while and be alone”. That, “you’ll call him when you’re feel ready.”

3) At this point allow for at least 3 or 4 weeks. After that, call him around midnight, sobbing, and say these things: “I really, really miss you and need you, and just didn’t realize what an angel you were! How could I be so stupid! I am SO afraid of losing you.”

4) Then when he gets to your home in 10 minutes or less, tell him that it would be better if he came back in 3 or 4 days - when you’re feeling “less emotional”.

5) Now allow for at least five weeks. Then call him out of the blue. Your dialogue should look something like this (you must sound angry): “Where on earth have you been!!” I thought you loved me!!! You have no idea the hell I’ve been through in these last few weeks! (begin crying) I thought you’d be there for me when really I needed you! I thought you cared! Do you just abandon people? Can I really trust you with my heart and feelings? I’m not sure anymore… In fact, I don’t I know who you are anymore! You were the one guy I thought I could rely on! (actually, cry for a while here… )

6) Now be silent for a long minute. Then say gently and lovingly (but still sobbing just a bit) “Can you come over?” “Now?”

7) Then repeat steps 1- 6. Indefinitely.

You’ll collect a lot of free stuff in the process too!

This method has been scientifically proven to work with most men. Good luck!

A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer’s field. The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when the farmers wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn’t believe how beautiful she was. He asked the farmer, “How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?”

The farmer said, “I trust my wife, she’s never been unfaithful.”

The pilot then says, “I’ll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs she’ll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle.”

The farmer thought a little bit and said, “It’s a deal.”

So, the pilot and the farmers wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.

He sings: “Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours.”

Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it, and sang:

“He kissed me on the lips, He kissed me on the tits, He kissed me in the middle. He kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fucking fiddle.”

A farmer in an old truck was driving to town when he spotted a hiker carrying a backpack and a big suitcase. Being a caring man, the farmer pulled over and asked the young man if he wanted a ride.

Even though the truck looked like it was about to fall apart, the young man put his suitcase in the back and climbed aboard. But the farmer was confused when he noticed the man was still wearing his backpack.

“Why don’t you take a load off and put that pack in the back with your suitcase?” asked the farmer.

The hiker responded, “That’s very kid of you, Sir, but I wasn’t sure if the truck could carry the extra weight. So I thought I’d carry it myself.”

Morris comes home and finds his wife Sadie crying. She says, “I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you’re having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I’ve always been a good wife…I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and I’ve always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”

Morris says, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex.”

Sadie says, “If I moaned when we have sex, you’d stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex.”

They go to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb in bed.
As they start kissing, Sadie says, “Now, Morris? Should I moan now?”

He says, “No, not yet.”

He starts fondling her, and she says, “What about now? Should I moan now?”

He says, “No, I’ll tell you when.”

He climbs on top of her and starts banging her.

She says, “Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?”

He says, “Wait, wait…I’ll tell you when.”

A few minutes later, just seconds before he’s going to climax, he says, “Now, Sadie. Moan. Moan…”

She says, “Oy, you wouldn’t believe what a day I had…”