Jokes News

On the campaign trail, the mayor running for re-election walks up to a house of his campaign adviser and rings the doorbell. When a small boy opens the door, the mayor introduces himself, “Hello there, little boy! What’s your name?”

“Little Johnny,” replies the small boy.

“Well, Little Johnny, I’m Mayor Hoffman. I’m running for re-election. Can I speak to your father?”

“He’s in the shower right now,” answers Little Johnny with a giggle.

“Oh! Well, is your mother in the house too?” asks Mayor Hoffman.

“Yes, she is. But she’s in the shower with my daddy,” replies Little Johnny with a snicker.

“Oh I see,” says Mayor Hoffman who pauses a moment thinking of what to say next. Then he smiles and says, “Little Johnny, can you go see if they are through now? I would like to speak to either one of them. It’s important.”

“I don’t think so,” replies Little Johnny with a big laugh.

Surprised to see the boy laughing heartily, the perplexed mayor demands, “What’s so funny, son? Is there something wrong with your parents?”

“Well, when my daddy asked for the Vaseline while they’re in the shower, I handed him the Super Glue.”

One day a seven year old boy was trying to press an intercom button but he could reach for it. So he kept on jumping trying to reach for the button but still he couldn’t do it.

As he was busy jumping up and down, along came a seventy year old man who immediately noticed the young man’s problem and he offered to press the button, since the boy couldn’t reach it.

As soon as he pressed the button the little boy turned to him and said, “Quick! Let’s run away!!!!”

Mrs. Goldstein, somewhat advanced in years, had finally been persuaded to consult a psychiatrist for the first time.

The psychiatrist, viewing her ruefully, said, “Mrs. Goldstein, with your permission I will try an experiment with you. It may serve to advance us more rapidly. I am going to have you lie here on the couch for half an hour, and during that period of time I want you to think of nothing but sex. Do you understand me? Just think of sex. When I come back I will ask you what you have thought and we can proceed from there.”

In half an hour, he was back. “Well, Mrs. Goldstein, have you been thinking of sex.”

“Yes, doctor,” she said.

“And what have you been thinking?”

“I’ve been thinking,” she said, “that by me, Sex Fifth Avenue is not as good as Macy’s.”

There is now a new eye viagra.It does nothing for your dick but it really makes you look hard.

Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans’ paper.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, “tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.

If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn’t help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don’t move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

“So. How’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk.

“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn’t believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees.”

“I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn’t realize how far I’d moved. I fell out of the lift.”

“So, how’d you break your arm?”

The rather broad lady showed up at the theater just before the performance started and handed the usher two tickets. “Where’s the other party?” asked the usher.

“Well,” said the lady, with a blush, “you can see one seat is rather uncomfortable for me so I bought two. But they’re really both for me.”

“Okay with me, Lady,” the usher replied, scratching his head. “But you’re gonna have a tough time. Your seats are numbers 51 and 63.

There were 3 fleas that lived in a woman’s belly button.

One day one said said, “Let’s split up and explore. And meet back here tomorow.”

When they got back one said, “I went up north to the mountains [Boobs] they were nice and steep.”

Another one said, “I went Down under to the hills [Butt] and they were nice and smooth.”

The last one said, “I also went south to the caves [Vagina] and a giant worm chased me.”

A man working at a lumber yard is pushing a saw through a tree when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room of a nearby hospital, where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, “Yikes! Well, give me the fingers, and I’ll see what I can do.”

“I haven’t got the fingers,” the man said.

The doctor says, “What! Do you mean you didn’t bring them with you? This is the age of medical advances. We’ve got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn’t you bring me the fingers?”

“Well, heck, Doctor! I tried, but I couldn’t pick up my fingers with no fingers!”

Q Whats the difference between a blonde and an ironing board.

A It’s harder to get the ironing boards legs open

Hello! Sorry, I can’t come take your call right now. ALL MY CHILDREN are YOUNG AND RESTLESS, so I have to SEARCH FOR TOMORROW and today to find them.

I am praying that the GUIDING LIGHT will remind them that the DAYS OF OUR LIVES are growing short. They will wind up in GENERAL HOSPITAL with only ONE LIFE TO LIVE, even if I do think they are BOLD AND BEAUTIFUL, if they’re not careful.

And if they don’t straighten up, as sure AS THE WORLD TURNS, I’m going to put them in ANOTHER WORLD!

So leave a message at the beep, and I will call you as soon as I get back from PORT CHARLES.