Jokes News

What do Saddam and Monica have in common?

They both wear a beret and get hit by one of Clinton’s missiles.

Q: What do you call a blonde doing cartwheels?

A: Blonde, Brunette, Blonde, Brunette.

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose.

When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals - you’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees on the take off.”

“That’s baloney,” says one of the hunters. “Yeah,” the other agrees, “you’re just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts. He wasn’t afraid to take off!”

“Yeah”, said the first hunter, “and his plane wasn’t any bigger than yours!” The pilot got angry, and said, “Hell, if he did it, then I can do it, I can fly as well as anybody!”

They loaded up, taxied at full throttle,and the plane almost made it, but didn’t have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, “Where are we?” One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said “I’d say…About a hundred yards further than last year…”

Q: Did you hear about the Ethiopian who fell into the alligator pit?

A: He ate three gators before they could pull him out!

Q: What is Bruce Lee’s favorite drink?

A: Watah! (water)

A man dies and finds himself in a small room that has a couch and TV set in it. There’s another fellow sitting on the couch watching TV.

The new arrival asks the man on the couch, “So, is this heaven or hell?”

The man looks up and says, “Well, there’s no windows or doors, and no apparent way out.”

“Oh,” says the first guy. “So it’s hell?”

“Well,” says the other guy, without looking up from the screen, “but they did give us this nice big TV set.”

“I see. So maybe it’s heaven?”

“Yeah, but the TV has only one channel.”

“Oh, so maybe it’s hell?”

“Well, but the TV station it gets is pretty good–it’s PBS.”

“Oh, so maybe it is heaven after all?”

“Yeah, except for one thing,” the other fellow says, sadly. “It’s ALWAYS pledge week.”

Memo To: All Employees
Subject: New Policies

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Surgery:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your Own Death:

This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do require at least 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.

Rest Room Use:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Therefore, in the future all employees will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time,
it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with another co-worker. However, both employee supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound,
the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will
open.

Paycheck Guide:

The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks.

Example: Gross pay $1,222.02

Income tax 244.40
Outcome tax 45.21
State tax 11.61
Interstate tax 61.10
County tax 6.11
City tax 12.22
Rural tax 4.44
Back tax 1.11
Front tax 1.16
Side tax 1.61
Up tax 2.22
Tic-tacs 1.98
Thumbtacks 3.93
Carpet tacks .98
Stadium tax .69
Flat tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Corporate tax 2.60
Parking fee 5.00
FICA 81.88
TGIF fund 9.95
Life insurance 5.85
Health insurance 16.23
Dental insurance 4.50
Mental insurance 4.33
Reassurance .11
Disability 2.50
Ability .25
Liability 3.41
Unreliability 10.99
Coffee 6.85
Coffee cups 66.51
Floor rental 6.85
Chair rental .32
Desk rental 4.32
Union dues 5.85
Union don’ts 3.77
Cash advance .69
Cash retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern time 9.00
Central time 8.00
Mountain time 7.00
Pacific time 6.00
Oxygen 10.02
Water 16.54
Heat 51.42
Cool air 26.83
Hot air 20.00
Miscellaneous 113.29
Various 8.01

Net Pay $0.12

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations,
accusations, comtemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

Q. Why were Adam and Eve the happiest couple that’s ever lived?

A. Because they didn’t have in-laws!

One morning, a gentleman boarded a plane headed for Rome. Within several minutes of finding his seat, a rumor began to circulate about the plane that the Pope would be on this very flight.

Being Catholic, and therefore a rather large fan of the Holy Father, he of course hoped that the Pope’s seat would be in close proximity to his so that they might be able to converse on their way to the Holy City of Rome.

No sooner had this thought passed through his mind, the “Man in White” entered the plane, and took his seat next to the man who had so prayed for his company.

Surprisingly, the Pope removed a book of crossword puzzles from the inner folds of his robes, flipped several pages and started filling in various words.

The gentleman thought to himself, “Oh man, I…I am so good at crossword puzzles! I hope he gets stuck on a word and asks me for help!” Again, no sooner than the thought passed through his mind, the Pope turned to him and asked, “You wouldn’t happen to know of another word for woman that ends in “unt”, would you?”

The man pondered, completely at a loss for words. “I can’t tell the Pope that word!!” he thought. His mind raced, and finally it came to him. “I think the word your looking for is, a-u-n-t, ‘aunt’.”

The Pope shifted in his seat, stared at the paper once more, and without even so much as the blink of an eye asked, “You wouldn’t happen to have an eraser, would you?”

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. It was the stupidest thing that I have ever done in my life. I didn’t realize how much I loved you until we were apart!

Won’t you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you with all my heart!

All my love,
Sally xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning this week’s lottery.