Jokes News

Luigi and his cousin Mario were standing on the hills of Italy overlooking the sea.

Luigi says to Mario, “Do you see the docks on the edge of the sea? I Luigi built all of those wonderful docks.
Do they call me Luigi the dock builder? No.

Do you see all of the beautiful ships on the water? I Luigi built those ships.
Do they call me Luigi the ship builder? No!

Do you see all of the beautiful mansions on the hill? I Luigi built all of those beautiful mansions!
Do they call me Luigi the mansion builder? NO!

But, you fucka one goat…”

Two people in their mid-seventies have been seeing each other socially for nearly two years. They have even traveled together but always took separate hotel rooms.

One evening at dinner, old Bert says to Edna, “I been thinking, and we’re wasting a heluva lot of money. We pay rent on two apartments, insurance on two cars, two cable bills, two phones…there ain’t no end to it.”

“What are you saying, Bert?” asks Edna sweetly.

“Hell, we should move in together” says Bert. “We’re practically livin’ like a couple anyways.”

“Whose apartment would we live in?” asks Edna.

“Mine,” says Bert. “It’s bigger ‘n cheaper.”

“Which car would we keep?”

“Yours, it’s newer ‘n gets better mileage.”

“Who’d cook?”

“You cook and I’ll set the table ‘n do the dishes.”

“What about sex?” blushes Edna.

“Infrequently,” replies Bert.

Edna smiles, “Is that one word or two?”

The drill sergeant goes into the new recruits’ barracks and yells out to the new recruits to strip down naked and form a tight pack, side to side, front to back and back to front.

The new recruits hustle and do as the drill sargeant asks. He starts walking along the line of recruits and suddenly whacks one of them in the chest with his baton.

“Does that hurt recruit?” he asks.
“No sir!” the recruit answers.
“And why not?” the drill sergeant asks.
“Because I’m a Marine’ Sir!” the recruit answers.

The sergeant moves along and hits another recruit in the stomach with his baton and asks the same question, getting the same answer. Then the drill sergeant spots a hard-on from the corner of his eye, he whips around and smashes it with his baton. Smiling he asks, “Did that hurt, recruit?”
“No, Sir!” the recruit answers. “And why not?” the sargeant asks. “Because it’s not my dick, Sir!” the recruit answers.

A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes. He pulls one out and starts smoking it.

The cashier says, “Excuse me, Sir, but you can’t smoke in here.”

The guy says, “Don’t you think it’s kinda dumb that I can BUY them here but can’t SMOKE then here?”

And cashier quickly replies, “Not at all . . . we also sell condoms and toilet paper here.”

At his wedding reception, the young groom’s granddad congratulated his grandson and said, “The secret to enjoying a long and happy marriage is to listen to each other at all times, respect each other’s wishes and try and have sex in moderation. That way, your marriage will last as long as your grandma’s and mine has.”

Thanking him for his advice, the grandson asked, “What is sex like when you get older, Granddad?”

His granddad looked at his grandson, smiled and replied, “Just like trying to play pool with a piece of rope!”

A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire straits.
His business has gone bust and he is in serious financial difficulty. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.

He goes to the synagogue and begins to pray, “God please help me, I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.”

Lotto nite comes and someone else has won.

Jacob goes back to the synagogue, “God please let me win the lotto, I lost my house, my business and I will lose my car as well.”

Lotto nite comes and still no luck.

Back to the synagogue,”My God why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won’t you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?????”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himself:

“JACOB, MEET ME HALFWAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A TICKET!”

When I arrived for my daughter’s parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn’t always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. “For example she’ll do the wrong page in the workbook,” the teacher explained, “and I’ve even found her sitting in the wrong desk.”

“I don’t understand that,” I replied, defensively. “Where could she have gotten that?”

The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likable.

Finally, after a pause, she added, “By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow.”

Jolene had been wanting new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.

She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful, new cabinets had been installed.

A few days later, a neighbor came over to visit. After admiring the new cabinets, the neighbor added, “All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen.”

In the rest room, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side by side using the urinal. The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands…clear up to his elbows…he used about 20 paper towels before he finished.

He turned to the other two men who were watching him and commented, “I graduated from the University of Michigan, and we were taught be clean!

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, “I graduated from USC California, and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.”

The cowboy zipped up, and as he was walking out the door said, “I graduated from the University of Kentucky, and they taught us not to pee on our hands.”

Two altar boys walked out of the back door of a church, stripped down naked, and jumped in, head first, to a pile of snow, and slid down the hill to the parking lot.

A man who just parked his car in the parking lot demanded to know what was going on.

One boy said, “It’s OK. Father Flanagan likes to have a couple cold ones after mass”.