Jokes News

A man suspects his wife is having an afair.
He calls the house and a strange woman answered the phone.
“Who is this?” asks the man,
“The maid” she replies.
“We don’t have one.”
“I was hired this mornining sir.”
“ok then” says the man” Where is my wife please?”
“upstairs with the man who I thought was her husband.”
“I’ll tell you what” says the frustrsted man” I’ll give you $1000 if you get my gun from my desk and shoot my wife and the guy she’s with.”
(he hears footsteps and then 2 gun shots)
The maid then asks, “Where do I put the bodies?”
“In the pool” says the man.
“There isn’t one” she answers.
“Hold on,” says the man reaching for his phone book “Is this 33956974???”

Yo mama so fat, whenever she wears a red dress, everyone calls her Kool-Aid!!!!!!!!

Sign on restaurant window: Great food (50,000 flies can’t be wrong)

Sign on an airport runway: All baggage carts must yield to oncoming planes.

Sign at the Pavlov Institute: Knock: Please don’t ring bell.

Sign at a crematorium: Urn more. Pay less.

Sign in a 1 hour eyeglass store: 20/20 in 60 Minutes.

Sign in a funeral parlor: Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.

Grave digger’s motto: We are the last ones to put you down.

Sign in a dentist’s office: Patient parking only. All others will be painfully extracted.

Sign in a restaurant: If you smoke, don’t exhale.

Boyfriend wanted: No experience necessary. Will train.

Sign on a closed store: This store is guarded by a very mean dog 3 nights a week. You guess which nights.

Sign on a hearing aid shop: Trust us. Over 5000 ears of experience.

Sign in a thrift shop: We are a non-profit organization. Please help us change.

When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going to drink?”

When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ….You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”

When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me alone???”

When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy.”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating….. He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”

When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare.

When you are dating….. He calls you by name.
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to others as “She.”

Q:What is weightless, you can see through it, and when you put it in a barrel, the barrel becomes lighter?

A: A HOLE

Q: How many Marines does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Eight: three to think of a plan-of-action, four to supervise, and one to do all of the work.

This joke/true story was submitted by a Navy Hospital Corpsman who is currently serving with the Marine Corps and sees this happen everyday…

A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.

Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says. “You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”

“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man. “How long have I got?”

“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.

“Ten?” the man asks. “Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”

“Nine…”

Q: Why doesn’t Santa Clause and Mrs. Clause have any children?

A: Because Santa only comes once a year.

A woman comes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist, “Can you tell me about Viagra?”

The druggist says, “What would you like to know?”

“What does it do?” she asks.

“Well, when I take it, it enhances my libido and prolongs my erection.”

The woman says, “Can you get it over the counter?”

“Yes,” says the druggist, “but I’ll have to take another pill.”

Most people don’t know that back in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico that was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were crazy about the stuff.

The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate (”desperados”) at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning that they still observe today.

It is known, of course, as …Sinko de Mayo.