Jokes News

Morris is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker, Joe, is wearing an earring. Morris knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

“Hey Joe,” Morris yells out, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal out of it…it’s only an earring,” says Joe sheepishly.

“No really,” probes Morris, “How long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

Yo Mama is so fat that when she hauls ass it takes her two trips.

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”.

Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads:
“All the men on this floor are short and plain.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here are short and handsome.” Still, this isn’t good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here are tall and plain.” They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect:”All the men here are tall and handsome.”

The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”

A really old guy is at a dance at the church social for Seniors. He hasn’t had sex in years so he was coming on to all the old grannies without so much as a nibble.

Finally in frustration, he approaches an old grannie who’d been sitting on the sidelines and hadn’t danced all evening. “Hey, babe,” he says, “How bout comin’ back to my place for some good old-fashioned sex. I’ll even give you twenty bucks.”

“I’m game”, she says, “what are we waitin’ for.”

They reach his apartment and after some minimal foreplay, he takes her to bed where he makes passionate love to her. He’s amazed at how tight she is, thinking that maybe this is her first time.

When he’s done, he rolls off her and says “Hey, babe, if I’d of known you were a virgin, I would a offered you FIFTY bucks.”

“Hell,” she says, “if I’da known you were really gonna get an erection, I woulda taken off my panytyhose.”

Q: What’s eighteen inches long and makes women scream?

A: Crib Death

Subject: 40 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by actual journalists)

1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

6. Farmer Bill Dies in House

7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

9. Stud Tires Out

10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again

13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms

15. Eye Drops off Shelf

16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim

19. Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66

20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax

21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One

29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84

30. War Dims Hope for Peace

31. If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

35. Deer Kill 17,000

36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Once there were three gay men: the first man’s name was Do, the second man’s name was Ray and …

I can’t remember the 3rd man’s name … what was it?

Me!

You are a gay man?