Jokes News

One day Jon came home from bible school. And his father took one look at him and saw he had a black eye!

“Jon, what on earth happened?” his father said.

“Well Dad,” Jon started, “we were all in the sanctuary saying our prayers. Then we all stood up to sing, and Mrs. Johnson was in the pew in front of me, and I saw that her dress was caught in the crack of he butt! So, I thought I would do her a favor and pull it out for her so she didn’t look silly, so I did. That’s when she turned around and smacked me!”

“Well Jon. You know not to treat women like that,” his Father replied.

“Okay dad. I’ll apologize tomorrow.”

So the next day Jon came home from bible school and he had another black eye!

“Jon!” His Father started, “We talked about this!”

“I know dad, I can explain! we were all in the sanctuary saying our prayers. Then we all stood up to sing, and Mrs. Johnson was in the pew in front of me, and Mike was sitting next to me and saw that her dress was caught in the crack of he butt! So, he thought he would do her a favor and pull it out for her so she didn’t look silly, so he did. And I know that she doesn’t like this. So I pushed it back in for her!”

Your mama is so ugly, they use her at the zoo to stop the monkeys from jerking off.

Q:What are the plastic surgeons going to do with the cartilage they are going to remove from the nose of Paula Jones?

A:They are going to send it to the New Guinea coast line to protect it from another Sunami.

There was a four-year old boy riding on a red toy fire truck. He was wearing an oversized plastic fire helmet and was being pulled slowly down the sidewalk by a large black labrador retriever.

A man was crossing the street and smiled at the innocence of this little boy, when he noticed that the child had not tied the rope to his dog’s neck, he tied it rather tightly around the poor dog’s privates.

The man walked over to the little boy, and said, “Sonny, you know, if you tie the rope around your dog’s neck, he will go a lot faster.”

The boy looked up and said with complete sincerity, “But mister, then I won’t have a siren.”

This really nice guy was walking down the street along the sidewalk. He turned to peer into an alley way and saw a young teenager walking down it. The nice guy told the young teen, “Hey kid! I couldnt help but notice you have lost a shoe!”

The kid said, “No, I found one.”

This guy in New York bought a lotto ticket everyday, and everyday he told his son,
” son, if I win the lotto, it’s going to be France, champagne and Brigitte Bardot.”
The next day again he comes home shows the lotto tickets to his son and says, “son, if I win the lotto it’s going to be France, champagne and Brigitte Bardot.” Finally his son, tired of hearing the same thing, askes, ” Dad what if you dont win?”
His dad replies, ” Then it will be Brooklyn, Budweisser and your mother!”

When Moses glimbed the mount Sinai to get the instruction from God he did not know what God wants to give him. He prostate to God to show his respect and listen explicitlly.

God said, ” Moses, I want to give to you something”

Moses hurridly replied,”Wait a second.
Before you tell or give me anything.
I would like to know how much it will cost me?”.

God: ” It will cost you nothing”.

Moses: ” In that case give me ten”.

There would be a “Rehearsal Dinner Kegger” until the cops showed up.

Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cut-offs and halter tops.

They would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not.

Tuxes would have team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team colors.

June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.

Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that “forsaking all others” part.

The couple would leave the ceremony in a souped up ‘73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!

Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old) would get punched in the head.

Big, slobbery dogs would be eligible for the role of “Best Man.”

There would be “Tailgate Receptions.”

Outdoor weddings would be held during sporting events at half-time or between innings.

Ceremonies would be short and honeymoons would be long.

Ceremonies and honeymoons would be inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of strippers and liquor really do add up.

Men wouldn’t ask, “Well, what do you think, dear? The burgundy or the wine colored napkins?” They’d just grab extras from their local pub or tavern.

Favors would be matchbooks and cigars. Better yet, free drink passes at the local lounge.

The bride’s dress would show cleavage, her navel, and be form-fitted to her ass.

Instead of a sit-down dinner or a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and plenty of bar-b-que.

No one would bother with that “Veil Routine.” But they would insist that the garter be as high up on her leg as it could go.

The bridal bouquet would be recycled from a previous funeral/wedding (what’s the difference) or something.

Invitations would read as follows:

Tom (Dick or Harry) is getting the old ball and chain… He’s getting married. He either:

A)knocked her up
B)couldn’t get a different roommate or
C)caved in to her ultimatum.

Please meet the woman who will cook and clean for him for the rest of his life at Soldier Field Stadium on the 50 Yard Line at halftime during Sunday’s Game. Please join us at the Moonlight Lounge after the game for Beer, Nachos and Pizza.

Oh yeah… B.Y.O.B.

“Eat your dinner Moisha,” said his mother.

“I’m not hungry Mama,” he replied.

“But I made your favorite chicken soup,” said his mother.

“It’s no use Mama,” said Moisha. “I’m too worried to eat.”

“What are you so worried about?” enquired his mother.

“Well,” Moisha replied. “I gave Mr. Cohen a cheque for $500 and I don’t have any money in the bank.”
His mother nodded her head, picked up the phone and dialed.

“Mr Cohen,” she cood. “That cheque my son gave you today…it’s no good!”

“Now,” she said turning to her son. “Let HIM worry…you eat!”