Jokes News

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.

“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”

“My daddy said it,” he responded.

“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher. “You don’t even know what it means.”

“I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted. “It means the car won’t start.”

Two nuns were riding their bikes through a French riviera. One nun says to the other “I’ve never come this way before!” The other nun replies, “It must be the cobblestones”.

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house it was obvious that somebody was home. However, no one came to the door, although the preacher knocked several times.

Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote “Revelations 3:20″ on the back, and stuck it in the door.

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher’s message was written “Genesis 3:10″.

Revelations 3:20 - “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me.”

Genesis 3:10 - “I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.”

Q) What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A) 45 pounds

Q) What is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
A) 45 minutes

There was this guy who walked into a bar and he told the bartender,”bartender give me a couple of beers” so the bartender gave him a couple of beers,after the guy drank the beers he went to the bathroom and started to scream he then came back and asked for a few more beers and like before he went to the bathroom and started to scream and when he came back the bartender asked,”why do you keep screaming when you use the bathroom” the guy replied well everytime i sit down and pee i flush the toilet and something reaches up and squeezes my balls and the bartender replied,”thats because you are sitting on the mop bucket”.

The Raiders Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Raiders team for ‘98.
The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super bowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia.
In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away—ka-boom!
He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away— ka-blooey!
A car passes going 90 miles an hour bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window. “I’ve got to get this guy,” Al says to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the Super bowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super bowl XXXI, and when Al asks him what he wants,
all the young man wants to do is to call his mother. “Mom,” the young man says into the receiver, “I just won the Super bowl.”
I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You’re not my son.” “I don’t think you understand, mother,” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.” “No, let me tell you,” the mother implores. “At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight….” The old lady pauses, in tears. “…I’ll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!”

A business man was looking for a new secretary and this very blonde girl came for an interview.

He kept asking her about her qualifications but the answers were so dumb that he had to think of something else to keep from laughing out loudly.

But the interview was amusing him, so he asked her some simple questions like how old she was.

The girl counted on her fingers and finally came up with 22.

Then he asked her her height.

The girl stepped up to the wall, measuring herself with her hand and saying: “This big!”.

The man the asked for her name.

She kept nodding her head from side to side while looking at the celing and finally came up with Mandy.

The man couldn’t help it, he had to ask what that nodding was all about.

“Oh,” the girl answered, “I just had to sing through ‘Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday…’”

I’M ALWAYS IN THE DARK.
I HANG AROUND WITH 2 NUTS ALL DAY.
MY NEIGHBOR IS AN ASSHOLE.
MY BEST FRIEND IS A PUSSY.
AND OWNER BEATS ME ALL THE TIME…