Jokes News

At a Greenwich Village Ball a young woman presented herself entirely without clothes. The doorman stopped her, with these words: Miss this is a costume Ball. We don’t mind how few clothes you have on, but you are supposed to represent something.

The woman went to the ladies dressing room and shortly reappeared with nothing on save a pair of black shoes and black gloves. The doorman stopped her and asked what she was supposed to be.

“Can’t you see ?” the girl asked, “I’m the five of Spades.”

* We have enough youth. How about a Fountain of SMART?
* The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
* If you smoke after sex, you’re doing it too fast.
* I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
* Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
* You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
* So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute!
* I need someone really bad… are you really bad?
* Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
* I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* All men are idiots … I married their king.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* Earth first…we’ll mine the other planets later.
* Don’t hit me. My lawyer’s in jail.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
* Life’s a buffet… so eat me!
* I’m just driving this way to piss you off.
* Jesus paid for our sins… now lets get our money’s worth.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
* As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
* Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.
* Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
* I don’t have to be dead to donate my organ.
* Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
* Lord save me from your followers. * Born again pagan.
* God must love stupid people, he made so many.
* I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
* I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
* Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
* A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
* Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
* Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
* Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
* I love animals. They taste great.
* EARTH FIRST! We’ll stripmine the other planets later.
* I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
* Flashlight: A container for dead batteries.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* I wouldn’t be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
* I won’t rise to the occasion, but I’ll slide over to it.
* Assassins do it from behind.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that somewhere, someone may be happy.
* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
* Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
* Okay. Who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
* All generalizations are false, including this one.
* “Criminal Lawyer” is a tautology

What do you call a good looking guy in Juneau, Alaska?

A tourist!

In this particular branch of the Army’s officer training school, the instructor was returning tests to the trainees. The students identified their work by the last four digits of their Social Security numbers. In the early hours of the morning, the instructor was calling out the numbers.

“Four-seven-seven-zero?” he asked.

“Here,” replied one half-awake lieutenant-to-be. Taking the paper, though, he realized he had mistakenly taken the wrong paper.

“Seven-zero-seven-five?” asked the instructor.

“Here,” repeated the student, gearing for trouble.

“I thought you were four-seven-seven-zero, Soldier,” spoke the teacher.

“That’s right, Sir,” answered the student, suddenly wide awake! “I have a nick-number.”

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son Little Johnny, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, “I hope, doctor, you don’t mind Johnny being in there.”

“No,” said the doctor calmly, “He’ll be quiet when he gets to the poisons.”

Three lost men find their way to a farmer’s house and ask if they can stay the night.

The farmer says, “OK.”

Then the farmer tells the first one to stay in the barn, the second one to stay in the pigpin and the third one to stay with his 18 daughters.

The next morning he went to the first guy and asked him what he felt like and he said, “Like a horse.”

Ten he went to the second guy and asked him, and he felt like a pig.

Then he went to the third guy and asked him what he felt like and he said, “A golf ball.”

All of them asked him why.

He said, “Well if you were going in and out of 18 holes you would feel like a golf ball too!”

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says…

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS)”.

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates’ drumsticks.

And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others”. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, “eBay”, he said, “We need a name of a service that reflects what we are”.

And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators”.

“Whoopee!”, said Abraham.

“No, YAHOO!”, said Dot Com.

The old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.

The young driver jumped out and said, “Sorry, Pops, but you’ve got be young and smart to do that!”

The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap.

“Sorry, Son, you’ve got be old and rich to do THAT!”