Jokes News

There’s a woman in a hospital in a coma. Her nurse notices after a few days that every time she sponge bathes the woman around the crotch, her vital signs increase significantly.

The nurse gets the idea that oral sex might provide the stimulus to bring the woman out of her coma. She calls the woman’s husband and tells him her idea. He agrees. When he arrives at the hospital the nurse takes him into the room closes the curtain around the bed and closes the door.

Five minutes later, the man comes running out of the room screaming that all of his wife’s vital signs have plummeted to zero. The nurse upset that not only did the idea not work but now seemed to threaten the life of the woman she sought to save. She asked the man what happened. The man replied, “I’m not sure, but I think she choked.”

Billy Ray and Uncle Chester were driving through the hills of Tennessee when they saw a sign that said, “FREE SEX WITH FILL UP”.
Of course this grabbed their attention and they decided to stop for gas.

“What’ll it be?” asked the attendant.
“Fill It UP!!!” replied Uncle Chester.
After filling the tank the attendant replied, “That’ll be $12.50…”
“What about that free sex?” asked Billy Ray.
“You’ll have to play a game first.”, replied the attendant, “I’ll think of a
number between 1 and 10 then you tell me what it is.”
“Alright”, says Billy Ray, “…Four”.
“Sorry, it was seven”, said the attendant.
“Let me try”, said Uncle Chester, “…six.”
“No, I already told ya it was seven,” replied the attendant.

Billy and Uncle Chester drove away disappointed at their lack of fortune.
After several moments of solitude Uncle Chester spoke up, “You know there wasn’t any free sex back there… it was all just a hoax.”
“Don’t be so sure”, replied Billy Ray, “My wife went in there and won twice last week!”

Man walks into the bar and says, “Bartender, give me 4 shots of tequila!”
Bartender says, “Jeez buddy, rough day?”
Man says,”I just found out my younger brother is gay.”
Bartender says,”oh..I’m sorry..” And he pours the drinks…

Next day, same man walks into the bar and says, “Bartender, give me 4 shots of tequila!”
Bartender says, “You still having trouble with your gay younger brother?”
Man says, “No, I just found out that my older brother is gay.”
Bartender says,oh..I’m sorry” and he pours the drinks…

Next day, same man walks into the bar and says, “Bartender give me 4 shots of tequila!”
Bartender says,”Damn! Doesn’t anyone in your family like women!?!?”
Man says, “Yeah..My wife!”

Q. Why was the washing machine laughing?
A. Because it was taking the piss out of the undies.

Q. Why don’t they teach driver’s education and sex education on the same day in Iraq?
A. They don’t want to wear out the camel.

Q. Why do women fake orgasm?
A. Because men fake foreplay!

Q. How can you make your girlfriend cry when you’re having sex?
A. Phone her up and tell her about it.

1.Does the Little Mermaid wear an algae bra?

2.Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

3.How is it possible to have a civil war?

4.If God dropped acid, would he see people?

5.If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

6.If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

7.If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

8.Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have a “S” in it?

9.Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?

10.Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

11.Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

12.Where are we going? And what’s with this handbasket?

13.If the “blackbox” flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash,why isn’t the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

14.Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

15.If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?

16.The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

17.I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

18.If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

19.Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

20.If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

21.If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

What is the most confusing day in the ghetto?

Father’s Day!!

Q: Why does a blonde wear panties ?

A: To keep her ankles warm.