Jokes News

WELCOME TO THE E-MAIL WONDERLAND

(Sing to the tune of Walking In A Winter Wonderland)

Another “ping”,

Are you listenin’?

The puter screen,
Is a glistenin’.

With icons so bright,

They light up the night,

Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

Gone away,

Are the hall talks.

Here to stay,

Is the IN-BOX.

Flagged “urgent, please read!”,

And “answer with speed!”.

Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up.

No lunch today cause messages abound.

Just click away and hope the server stays up.
You can’t do your job if it goes down.

10 P.M.,

You’re not tired.

The caffeine,

Has got you wired.

The day’s not complete,

Till the last delete,

Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

In the morning e-mails start to add up,

No lunch today cause messages abound.

Just click away and hope the server stays up.

You can’t do your job if it goes down.

Until you,

Are retired,

The same old grind,

It is required.

You’ll face unafraid,

That message parade.

Welcome to the e-mail wonderland!

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
“Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?” God asked.
“I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There’s drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it. A regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it.
I’m afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.”

“Hmmm,” God said thoughtfully, “Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?”

“I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of activity.” replied St. Peter.

“That is an effective solution,” God stated, “but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let’s send a letter that’s personally signed by me to each one of these good people.”

And so they did.

Do you know what the letter said?

(scroll down)

No?

(scroll down a little more)

Hmmm…You didn’t get the letter either, huh??

Q. What can a goose do that a duck can’t and a lawyer should?

A. Stick his bill up his ass.

It was the final exam for an English course at a university. Like most freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class.

The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Thirty minutes into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

“You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated as he handed the student a booklet.

“Yes I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the students filed up and handed their exams in. All except the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, he finally came up to the professor’s desk and attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets.

“No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late!” The student looked incredulous and angry.

“Do you know who I am?”

“No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor sarcastically.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” the student asked again.

“No, and I don’t care.” replied the professor with an air of superiority.

“Good!” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaims St. Peter. “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those rare coincidences that happen. Since we we’re not expecting you, your quarters just aren’t ready. We can’t take you in, and we can’t send you back”

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone . “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for ‘em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be for a few days. What do you say?’

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. However, two days later St. Peter got a call. “Pete, this is Luci. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody. The Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning.

I’m so depressed….I went to the doctor today, and he refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. Said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.