Jokes News

Q: What do you call a gay indian?

A: Poke-a-hinee

All Drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
Advil is Ibuprofen
Penicillin is ampillicin
And so on…
What’s the generic name for Viagra?

Mycoxafailin

Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.

Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.

Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.

Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as though thou are transparent.

Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.

Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt.

Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human’s face.

Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human’s genital region.

Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors.

Thou shalt not reset thy human’s alarm clock by walking on it.

Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.

Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.

Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human’s bladder at 4a.m.

Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity.

Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow.

Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.

Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.

Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.

Q. What do you call a virgin in German?

A. “Goodentight”

Then there was the dumb blonde who was sitting at her desk one Monday morning weeping her eyes out. Her office mate came over and ask what she was crying about.

The blonde said that she was sad because her boyfriend was working on his car over the weekend and the jack broke and cut his finger off.

The office mate then asked, “The whole finger?”

At which the blonde answered, “No, the one next to it!”

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City
restaurant and notices the three Japanese businessmen seated there are busy masturbating.

She says, “What the hell do you guys think you are doing?”

One of the Japanese men says, “We very hungry.”

The waitress says, “So how is whacking off in this restaurant going to help that situation?”

One of the other businessmen replies, “Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED.”

“How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace, Part I”
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during he meeting. During the meeting, eat 5 entire raw potatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com”

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him/her to sign a waiver.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him/her if s/he want fries with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask him/her to settle the disagreement.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.

Come to work in your pajamas.

Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

Volunteer to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

No matter what anyone asks you, reply “OK” while nodding.

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

Grow mold in your coffee cup.

Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing” and leave. Go get a coffee.

Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

~~~~~~~~~~~
How to Keep the Wackiness Alive in the Modern Workplace, Part 2

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.

“Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

E-mail nude GIFs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet.

Hang mistletoe over your desk. (Seasonal)

Include a personal note on every e-mail you send. “On a personal note, I’m feeling a bit tired and grumpy today.” “On a personal note, I’m pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night.”

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the lunchroom. When people complain that there was none, just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.” See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas, donuts, etc.

Secretly put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. Watch the fireworks that will follow.

When you go to a party at somebody’s house, don’t automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

28 new slogans promoting condoms:

1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
3. Don’t be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5. Don’t be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can’t go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you’re not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she’s spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won’t get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While you’re undressing venus, dress up that penis.
14. When you take of her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don’t be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection is to protect your erection.
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. If you really love her, wear a cover.
22. Don’t make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.
23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
24. If you can’t shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
25. No glove, No love.
26. Don’t be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.
28. Even though you’re tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.

Q: Why doesn’t Cuba have an Olympic team?

A: Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already here.

Then: Long hair.
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: Keg
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it’s cool.
Now: Moving to California because it’s hot.

Then: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your kids.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Our president’s struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president’s struggle with fidelity.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.