Jokes News

Everyone is specializing these days.
There’s a spiritualist down the street who advertises that she’s a West Coast authority on bad breath.

Calls herself the Super California Mystic, Expert Halitosis.

Q: Why did the blonde jump off a bridge.

A: She thought that her tampon had wings.

When three-year-old Jimmy first saw Mom nursing his newborn baby sister, he asked, “What are you doing?”

Mom replied, “Giving your little sister her milk.”

Jimmy then asked, “What’s in the other one? Juice?”

One day a man is sitting on a stool in his liquor store and a nun walks in. She asked him for a bottle of Yukon Jack.

He tells her, “I can’t, you’re a nun.” She tells him it’s medicine, so he agrees.

Later he sees her out side drunk as a skunk. She tells him it is medicine.

“Mother Superior is constipated, and when she sees me she is going to shit her pants!!!”

A man walked into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap.
The doctor said, “I can clearly see your nuts”.

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, “PRAISE THE LORD!”

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!”

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries.”

The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD!”

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “HA…HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn’t!”

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, “PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!”

A couple return from their honeymoon, and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

“Well,” replied the man, “when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom, and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”

“Oh, I shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend. I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough.”

The groom nodded, thoughtfully, and said, “That may be true, but I can’t get over the fact that she gave me $20 change!”

Three prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.

The Italian asks for a Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then he`s taken away.

The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and then is also taken away.

The American requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are suprised and reply “STRAWBERRIES?”

“Yes, Strawberries.”

“But they are out of season!”

“I`ll wait…”

Gary and Lorne were standing at the urinals in a public restroom, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Lorne’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

“Wow!” Gary said. “I’ve never seen one like THAT before!”

“Like what?” Lorne said.

“All twisted like a pig’s tail” Gary said.

“Well, what’s yours like?” Lorne asked.

“Straight, like normal,” Gary said.

“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Lorne said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back inside his pants.

“What did you do THAT for?” Lorne asked.

“Shaking off the excess drops, Gary said. “Like normal.”

“Cripes!” Lorne said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing mine.”