Jokes News

Top ten sign’s your at a Redneck wedding…

10. Rehearsal dinner held at hooters

9. Instead of friends of the Bride, friends of the Groom, Usher’s ask Ford or Chevy

8. Bride’s maid’s pink tub top’s, Bride’s Groom’s Travis Tritt T-shirt’s

7. Phrase “i do” replaced with phrase “I herd dat!”

6. The “Wedding March” song performed by Hank Williams Jr.

5. Minster asked “Who giveth this woman to be married” some guy in the back stand’s up and yell’s “Earnhardt”

4. Reception Conversation includes the phrase “So what have you been doing cents He Ha Mr. Lindsey?”

3. Snack tray’s at reception include Vienna Sausages and Nacho Cheese Diorites

2. Plan’s for the honey moon evening include ticket’s to the NASCAR race

And the number 1 way to tell you at a Redneck wedding…

1. Sign in from of the church “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem”

Why are women like buses??

Because if you miss the first one, the next one is on its way as long as you stand on the corner with your money ready.

If you take Viagra and Doan’s Pills at the same time, the following results will occur.
1. It will keep your back from petering out
2. It will keep your peter from backing out

There was a rich widowed woman who decided finally to get married again. This time around she vowed that she would only marry a virgin, so she set out on a world-wide search for just the right man who had never been experienced.

As luck would have it, she didn’t have to search very long until she found her dream guy in Australia.
So she flew down to Australia to meet her new love and verified her requirement once again,”You’ve never been with a woman have you?”

“No,” the man replied. “Okay, then…you’re perfect for me!”

On their honeymoon night, they stayed in the honeymoon suite of Sydney’s grandest hotel. As she was changing clothes, she heard a lot of noise coming from the other room. When she came out of the bathroom, she saw that he had moved all of the furniture to the outside walls of the room, leaving the middle of the room empty. “What in the world are you doing?!, ” she asked, puzzled.

“Well, I have never been with a woman, but if you’re anything like those kangaroos, then we’re going to need a lot of room!”

Several years ago, I returned home from a business trip just when a storm hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 AM, I found my two children in bed with my wife, Stacey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night.

The next day, I talked to the kids, explaining that it was “OK” to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but
when I was expected home, please don’t sleep with Mom that night. They agreed.

After my next trip several weeks later, Stacey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Because the plane was late, everyone had come into the
terminal to wait for my plane’s arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running up shouting, “Hi, Dad! I’ve got some good news!”

As I waved back, I said loudly, “What’s the good news?”

Alex shouted, “NOBODY slept with Mommy while you were away, this time!”

The airport became very still, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, then searched the rest of the area to see if they could identify his Mother…

Two morons bought a farm and moved out to the country. The farm included a mule, but the mule was pretty ornery. Every time the morons would start to lead the mule into the barn, his ears would hit the top of the door and he’d start bucking and kicking and jumping all over the barn yard.

After some consideration, the morons decided that the solution to this dilemma was to raise the barn up. They were working feverishly on that project, but not having much success, when a city boy passed by.

“What are you guys doing?” asked the city boy. They explained the problem with the mule. The city boy responded, “Wouldn’t it be easier to just dig a little trench at the doorway?” and then left.

As the morons watched the city boy leave, one said to the other, “What an idiot…it’s not his feet that are hitting, it’s his ears.”

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!!

One day, she was alone with her husband and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My Darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

What did the blond mother say to her blond daughter?

If you’re not in bed by ten, come home!

Have you heard about the new Jewish tire out on the market?

It stops on a dime and picks it up!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, “Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says, “Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” says the balloonist.

“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.”

The man below says, “You must be a manager.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” says the man below, “you don’t know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault.”