Jokes News

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.
“Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under! You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars!”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

An American businessman goes on business to Japan. He tells his assistant that night to get him some ‘entertainment.’ So his assistant gets him a hooker. The whole night this Japanese hooker keeps screaming, ‘Hoshimota, hoshimota!’

He thinks he is doing it really, really good.

The next morning he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner, who makes a hole in one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and patting him on the back. The American can’t think of what to say, so he says “HOSHIMOTA!”

His Japanese partner turns to him and says, “What do you mean, it is in the wrong hole?”

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

This program is known as “Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone.

We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not
surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.”

I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “here, stick this in MYASS.”

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, “Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.”

Yo mama is so fat that when she entered Taco Bell, everybody ran for the border.

An elderly man was walking along the beach in miamI while his wife slept late at their hotel. He came upon a bottle with a cork. He pulled the cork and lo and behold, out came an enormous genie.

“Hello, genie”, said Morris.

“I will grant you one wish,” said the genie, “and if I can’t grant that wish, I will grant you another one.”

“Ok” said Morris. He picked up a shell and drew a map in the sand. “Here’s Israel, here’s Lebanon, here’s Syria, here’s Egypt. My wish is that all the Middle East should live in peace forever.”

The genie scratched his head and said, “What’s your second wish?”

“Well, for fifty years Becky and I have been happily married but in fifty years she never gave me a blow job. That’s my second wish.”

The genie scratched his head again for a moment and said, “Let’s have another look at that map.”

There were three men: one from Ohio, one from Virginia and one from West Virginia. They all took their wives to dinner for their anniversary.

The man from Ohio said, “Pass the honey, honey.”

The man from Virgina said, “Pass the sugar, sugar.”

And the man from West Virgina said, “Pass the tea, bag!!”

10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier than changing your real name.

9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.

8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.

7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.

6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?

5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.

4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.

3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson Lee.

2. They never have to know you live in your parent’s basement.

1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

Some cute insults are :

1. I know you’re not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!

2. Don’t feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

3. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

4. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

5. At least there is one thing good about your body. It isn’t as ugly as your face!

6. Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent!