Jokes News

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.” The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said “Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”, said the man.

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulders muscles. He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, he would extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile, he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks. Finally, he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

There was this store, it was kind of like a Pricilla’s, and a 30 yr old man walked in and asked the clerk, “Miss, I have been having trouble finding a condom that fits.” So she unzipped his pants and stroked it a little bit and said, “You need an extra-large.”

Later another man who was 20 yrs old walked in and asked, “Miss I have been having trouble finding a condom that fits.” So again she unzipped his pants and stroked it alittle bit and said, “You need a large.”

And later on another man came in, he was in his teens and said, “I have been having trouble finding a condom that fits.” So she unzipped his pants and stroked it a little bit then she got on the intercom and said, “CLEANUP IN AISLE SIX!”

Several weeks ago we hired a blond who wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box.

One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I’m almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”

“Just use copier machine paper,” she told her.

With that, the blond took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make FIVE BLANK COPIES.

A sailor and his bride arrived at the honeymoon suite of their hotel. The bride had not ‘gone all the way’ before and was very nervous. Her mother had told her it would be very painful, but that it was her wifely duty. “Just make the best of it, as I’ve always had to,” she said.

The young sailor showed her things the bride had never been ‘warned about’ by her mother which the young wife bravely agreed to but definitely did not enjoy. When her new husband had tired himself out at 2AM, Bonnie said she’d like to order a pizza and watch TV.

“Sure, Bonnie,” he said, and began flipping through the TV Guide. “Well, there’s not much on right now,” he said. “Would you like to see Oliver Twist?”

“My God, Harold,” cried his bride. “If you do one more trick with that thing, I”m going home to Mother!”

1.Your bartender knows you better than your own mom.
2.You have worked 12 different jobs in the last 2 months.
3.Everything you own is in the pawn shop.
4.You have to check the gas and fill the oil in your car.
5.Your last date was on the spice channel.

“What kind of work do you do?” a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.

“I’m a Naval Surgeon,” he replied.

“Goodness!” said the lady. “How you doctors specialize these days!”

A guy walks into a bar and notices a sign hanging over the mirror. The sign reads:

Bottle of Beer $ 2.00
Cheese Sandwich $ 3.00
Hand Job $10.00

He looks around and notices a beautiful blonde behind the counter and he calls her over.

“Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

She lowers her eyelids and purrs a response, “Why, yes sir, I am.”

“Well then wash your damn hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

“I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”

“Not to worry,” Jack said, “we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.”

Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said:

“Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?”

“Yes, I have to admit that I did.”

“Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”

Bob’s face turns red and he said, “Yeah, I’m afraid I did.”

“Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?” Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, “Honey, please … just one more time before I die.” She says, “Of course, Dear,” and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…”

At this point the wife sits up and says, “Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!”