Jokes News

How can a pregnant woman tell that she’s carrying a future lawyer?

She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

“Something you’ll never hear a woman say: ‘My, what an attractive scrotum!’”

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, ‘Thyroid problem?’”

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”

“I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.”

“There are only two reasons to sit on the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea or you’re anxious to meet people who do.”

Two polish men went away for their annual hunting trip, and by accident, one was shot by the other. His worried companion got him out of the woods, into the car, and off to the nearest hospital.

After several hours, the doctor came out with a worried expression on his face.

“Well, doctor,” he inquired anxiously. “Is he going to live?”

“It’s hard to say,” answered the doctor. “He would have a better chance if you hadn’t gutted him first.”

It was the year for Jack’s class reunion, and he thought he would go to see his old friend Joe. He thought that Joe would be there so he would go, too.

When Jack got there, he was looking around for Joe. He could see everybody else, but not Joe. But he did see a really beautiful woman that he didn’t know. He thought he might go over and talk to her.

When he got near the woman, she said,”Jack don’t you remember me?”

Jack said, “No, I don’t believe we’ve met.”

The woman said, “I’m Joe.”

Jack said, “Joe!? What happened. Did it hurt. Let’s go over to the table so you can tell me everything.”

So they were at the table and Jack is asking if it hurt and Joe said, “Most of it didn’t hurt. The only part that hurt was the part when they had to drill a hole in my head to take out half my brain!”

“Doc, you’ve gotta help me! My wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore.

Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?”

“Look, I can’t prescribe…”

“Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?

I am desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You’ve got to help me.”

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE.”

“I don’t know, doc, she’s awfully cold…”

“One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?”

“Um… okay.”

The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert.

The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife’s coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.

And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful.

Then inspiration strikes — he drops one pill into his own coffee.

His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee.

Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little,sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says,”I…need… a man…”

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me… too…”

A man went to a sex therapist because he thought he and his wife were getting “bored”. The dr. told him to go home, wait till his wife was asleep, and eat her out. (This would give her something nice to wake up to.)

So, later that night when he goes home, he sneaks in, turns out all of the lights, goes to his room, crawls under the covers, pulls off his wife’s panties, and eats her out.

After about an hour, when he had finished, he went to the bathroom to wash up. He opened the door and saw his wife at the sink! He yelled, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!” His wife said, “Shhhhhh, your mother is asleep.”

Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and
kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John’s wife had died suddenly in his absence.

When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, “I’m so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible.”

Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, “Hell no! Fact is I’m sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.”

“I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn’t very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle.”

The old woman fainted.

Q. Why does a dog lick his nuts?

A. Because he can.

William Phelps taught English literature at Yale University for 41 years. One day while marking an examination paper before Christmas, Phelps came across the note: “God only knows the answer to this question. Merry Christmas.” Phelps returned the paper with the annotation: “God gets an A. You get an F. Happy New Year.”