Jokes News

Poet William Wordsworth once boasted in the presence of Charles Lamb: “I could write like Shakespeare if I had a mind to.”

“So, it’s only the mind that’s lacking,” murmered Lamb.

A man is going to work one day and accidentally slams his penis in the car door. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor says, “We’re going to have to put a splint on that.”

The guy says, “No way Doc, I’m getting married in a week.”

The Doc replies, “Well if we don’t, it’s going to be bent for the rest of your life.” Finally the guy agrees, and the doctor gets out some tongue depressors and some tape and fixes him up.

A week later, on his honeymoon, his new wife is doing a slow, seductive striptease in front of him. She takes off her bra and says, “See these? They’ve never been touched by a man before.”

She then takes off her panties and says, “See this? It’s never been seen by a man before.”

The husband then whips off his shorts and says, “See this? It’s not even out of the crate yet!”

Did you hear about the man that tried to blow up his car?

He burnt his lips on the tailpipe.

If it seems like you are having one of those days where everyone is trying to piss you off…

Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to raise a finger and flip them off.

Why aren’t elephants allowed at the beach?

Because they can’t keep their trunks up!!!!!

A two year old girl was with her mother while her older sister was being examined by a dentist. The girl kept herself busy playing with toys in the waiting room until she noticed that her mother was resting, her eyes closed.

With about six other patients waiting, the little girl marched up to her mother, looked her straight in the face and shook her shoulder.

“Mommy,” she yelled, “Wake up! This is not church!”

Guy was on a business trip and he’s staying in this fancy hotel. When he goes up to his room there’s a sign near the bed that says, “Try our Oriental Massage”. So he rings down to the reception and tells the clerk that he’d like to try one of these massages. About ten minutes later this Japanese lady comes up and starts giving him a massage.

He’s lying on his stomach and getting pretty horny and he gets a huge boner. She told him to turn over and when he does she sees his cock standing to attention. So she giggles and says “Ahh, you want wanky!” So he says “Oooh, yes!” So she runs off into the bathroom and he lies on the bed waiting.

A few minutes later she sticks her head out from behind the door and says, “You finished yet?”