Jokes News

An old lady was about to get married, but she had a secret she didn’t want her future husband to know.
So she decided to write a letter to a newspaper.
“Dear Shundai,” she wrote, “Bean might not marry me if he finds I have bad teeth. How can I keep my secret from him?”
In a few days, the answer appeared in the newspaper: “Keep your mouth shut”

Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife asked, “What’s the problem?” He said, “The doctor told me I have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life.”

She said, “So what! Lots of people have to take a pill everyday their whole lives.”

He said, “I know, but he only gave me four pills.”

California winery Franzia has a product out called “Franzia’s Wine-In-A-Box.” It’s a great product for the homeless, because they can get drunk, and then have a place to sleep it off.

Most homeless people eat dinner by scrounging through dumpsters. Like most Americans, they’re on a junk-food diet.

You’d think that homeless people could get jobs at the supermarket pushing carts around, but they have no experience pushing them around empty…..you give a homeless guy a row of shopping carts nested together, and he’s gonna think he’s got his own fleet…..

One sunny summer day four rabbis are having a discussion on some part of the Torrah. Three agree on one explanation but the fourth one stands on the other. Being tired of this conversation he raises his arms and says, “God, give me a sign to prove that I’m right!”

Suddenly, thunder clouds appear out of nowhere and cover the sky. The three other rabbis think for a while and say, “Nah, that’s just a coincidence”

So, the rabbi raises his hands again and screams, “God, please give these thickheads more proof that I’m right!”

Suddenly, a thunderbolt strikes a tree just in front of them but three rabbis say, “Well, there’s always lightning coming with thunder, it’s still must be a coincidence.”

So, the rabbi raises his hands for the third time and says, “Oh, God, they are so stupid but you know I’m right, please give them a sign even they would understand.”

Suddenly, a hole appears in the clouds right above them, bright light comes through it on the ground and a thunderlike voice from above says, “HE IS RIGHT!”

The other rabbis think for a while and then say, “Well, still it’s three against two…”

A newfie had been on a desert island for 40 years and had never seen another person.

One day a lifeboat came ashore with a beautiful girl in it. She was amazed to find him alive after 40 years and asked him how he had survived.

“Well, he said,I ate a lot of nuts, kept myself in shape and dug a lot of clams and ate a lot of clams.” She said, “Clams are good, but have you had sex before?”

He said, “No.” So she took him and made passionate love to him and afterwards said, “Well, did you like that?” He said, “Yes, it was great, but look
what it did to my clam digger.”

Desperate for work, a man went to the owner of a local circus and asked if there were any openings. The owner told him that he needed a high wire act, but the job required walking without a net over the lion’s cage while wearing a monkey suit. The man, needing the job, put on the suit and climbed to the high wire amid the stunned gasps of the crowd. Stepping gingerly on the thin rope, he began to shuffle his way across, when he suddenly lost his balance and fell into the lion’s cage. “Help!” the man screamed as the lion quickly jumped on him. “This beast is going to eat me!”

“Shut up,” the lion said angrily. “You want to get us all fired?”

During his first campaign against Dwight Einsenhower for the Presidency, Adlai E. Stevenson was approached by an enthusiastic woman supporter who said to him, “Governor, every thinking person will be voting for you.” Stevenson replied, “Madam, that is not enough. I need a majority.”

How many polish people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

2, but more’s welcome

THE STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS THAT PRESIDENT CLINTON SHOULD HAVE GIVEN:

“Members of Congress…people of America…I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven’t been paying attention.

The only babes in D.C. I haven’t tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they’re a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn’t to say I don’t appreciate Hillary…I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I’d be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she’d be married to the President. So, let me set the record straight.

I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that entered the Oval Office.
Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there’s not a man, woman, or child who didn’t know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called “Kennebunkport” who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.

Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer’s he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of ‘plausible deniability,’ and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn’t hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point.

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn’t seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell ‘internet’ has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I’m running a country here and I’m doing it with my pecker showing.

What I’m asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter …
unless, of course, she’s a hotty with thin ankles, and then I’d like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you’re living before you get too interested in where I’m parking the presidential limousine.”