Jokes News

Did you hear about the two antennas that got married?….the wedding was a disaster…but the reception was great!!!!!

Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don’t?

A: A bellybutton!

A bunch of guys get together for a night on the town. After a very long night of drinking they all decide to go back to one of the guy’s house. He tells all the boys that his wife won’t mind getting up to fix them a late snack.

That is just what they do. They all go back to his house. He tells the boys to go grab a beer out of the fridge while he wakes his wife. When he enters the bedroom he sees his wife with another man.

He finds the guys and he is bent over in laughter. He says, “my wife is with some other guy and she thinks it is me”.

Monica Lewinsky has now turned down $2 million for a book deal and $1 million to appear in Penthouse.

Taking these events into account the people at White Owl and Garcia Vega have withdrawn their endorsement offer.

Q: What’s the mating call of a blonde?
A: I am so drunk!

Q: What’s the mating call of an ugly blonde?
A: I said, I am sooo drunk!!

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken back by this recent incident.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on all channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. The K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a tight leash.

The woman ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps, put her face in her hands and moaned………

“I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”

The police recently arrested a man selling tablets which he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through the files, the police noticed it was the fourth time the man was caught for doing this. He had earlier been arrested in 1798, 1850 and 1909.

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.
“Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under! You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars!”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

An American businessman goes on business to Japan. He tells his assistant that night to get him some ‘entertainment.’ So his assistant gets him a hooker. The whole night this Japanese hooker keeps screaming, ‘Hoshimota, hoshimota!’

He thinks he is doing it really, really good.

The next morning he goes to play a game of golf with his Japanese business partner, who makes a hole in one. Everyone is congratulating him in Japanese and patting him on the back. The American can’t think of what to say, so he says “HOSHIMOTA!”

His Japanese partner turns to him and says, “What do you mean, it is in the wrong hole?”

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant.

This program is known as “Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone.

We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not
surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS.

Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.”

I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been
eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS.

As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “here, stick this in MYASS.”

It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, “Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS.”