Jokes News

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist”garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead” gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, “Good morning, Father…good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned - how in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them — and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads). Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father”, “Good morning, Father” and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said, “Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”

“Oh Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Kathryn!”

A 75 year-old Englishman, whose hair was completely white, married a 20-year Swedish girl and she got pregnant soon afterwards.

Nine months later, the Englishman walked into the maternity ward and asked the nurse on duty, “How did my wife do?”

The nurse replied, “She gave birth to twin boys.”

He chuckled, “Heh, heh, heh, well, I guess that goes to show even when there’s snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace.”

The nurse commented, “Well then, you better change filters. Both your boys are black!”

One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.

She started with “This was England’s finest hour.” Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said,” Winston Churchill.”

“Congratulations said the teacher you may go home.”

The teacher then said, “Ask not what your country can do for you…”

Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out, “John F. Kennedy”. “Very good” says the teacher, “you may go.”

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, “I wish those girls would just shut up.”

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, “Bill Clinton. I’ll see you Monday.”

There are four guys in a bar, talking. One goes to the restroom. 3 guys left…..

First guy says, “I was worried that my son was gonna be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday.”

Second guy says, “I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a Realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact HE’s so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday.”

Third guy says, “Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he’s so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday.”

Fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, “Well, I’m embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he’s gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But, I try to look at the bright side: his boyfriends just gave him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday.”

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required…. so get out of the car.

The 4 men didn’t wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem: her key wouldn’t fit the ignition.
Her car was identical and parked four / five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly white women……no charges were filed.

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!” The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”

“Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”

One day a young man walked into the doctors office and in a painful voice uttered, “Doc, I need some serious help.”

“What seems to be the problem young man?” replied the doctor.

With that the man dropped his pants and the Dr. saw that the man’s penis was bending in ways that God had never intended.

“Dear Lord!” gasped the Dr. “What the hell happened to you?”

“Well,” the man said, “there is this beautiful girl living in the trailer across from mine. And every day when her husband goes into town she takes a hot dog from the fridge, sticks it in a crack in the floor and starts to masturbate with it. I figured that that was a lot of wasted pussy, so one day I sneaked over and got under her floor, swiped the hot dog, and put my dick in its place. Everything went well for about an hour until the husband came home, and she went to kick the hot dog under the stove!”

A deputation of concerned women came to Winston Churchill in order to protest his overconsumption of spiritous liquors. They said, “Mr. Churchill, if all the spirits you have drunk in your life were poured into this room, they would fill it to here.”

Churchill regarded the imaginary line they had traced on the wall, and his eyes then went up to the ceiling, and he sighed, “So much to do, so little done.”

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone.

He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking…

“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million…”

“Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support…”

“Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details…”

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

“I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”

The man replied “I’m from the phone company…I came to hook up your phone.”

There were these three guys. An American, a Hispanic, and a Russian.

They decided to go hunting. The American went out in the morning and came back with a 10 point buck.

The Hispanic asked, “How did you get the deer?”

The American answered,” I followed the tracks and boom boom I got this deer.

So, the Hispanic went out the following morning and came back to camp with a 14 point buck. The Russian asked, “How did you get this buck?”

The Hispanic answered, “I followed the tracks and boom boom I got this deer.

So the Russian went out the following morning and came back with bruises, cuts and broken bones.

The American and the Hispanic asked, “What happened to you?”

The Russian answered, “I followed the tracks went boom boom and was hit by a train.”