Jokes News

A man starts his confession by telling the priest he has sinned by cursing the Lord and taking his name in vain.
The priest, who is Irish, asks, “And tell me my son, What were the grievous and calamitous circumstances that caused you to curse God and use his name in vain?”

The sinner says,”Well, father, I was playing golf, and I was finishing the best round ever, when on the 18th tee my drive slices into the rough.”

“And surely, after playing such a magnificent round, that is what caused you to curse God.”

“No father, I lucked out and the ball landed on a bare spot. I took my 6 iron and swung and hit the ball well,it landed on the lip of the green and rolled into a sand trap below the green.

“And surely, my son, after escaping danger and making a wonderful second shot only to have the ball roll back into a trap is what caused you take the Lord’s name in vain.”

“No father, I took my s/w and I dug my feet in and I swung and sand and ball went into the air and the ball headed straight for the pin and hit the pole and bounced 2 feet from the hole.”

The priest asked, “Is this hole a par 4?”

“yes, father”, he says

“And you’re hitting your 4th shot 2 feet from the hole?”

“Yes, Father”

“Jesus Christ, man, did you miss the god-dammed putt?”

When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanks the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

“Just name the fee,” he croaked, gratefully.

“Okay,” replied the doctor. “How about half of what you’d have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?”

Little known state mottos:

Alabama: “Segregation now, Segregation Forever!”

Alaska: “Land of 11,623 drunken Eskimos”

Arizona: “It’s not the heat….”

Arkansas: “Litterasy Ain’t Everything”

California: “Land of the ‘Quakers’.”

Colorado: “If you don’t ski, don’t come.”

Connecticut: “Home of the ‘term life’ policy.”

Delaware: “Home of prison floggings and an age 7 ‘consent law’.”

Florida: “Ask Us About Our Grandkids.”

Georgia: “Going to church? Bring your own snake.”

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (”If you’ve got the money, Honey, We’ve got the time.”)

Idaho: “More Than Just Potatoes & Mariel Hemingway’s tits.”

Illinois: “Please Don’t Pronounce the ‘S’!”

Indiana: “Dan Quayle is OUR problem. DROP IT!”

Iowa: “We Do Amazing Things With Corn, but nothing sexual.”

Kansas: “The First Of The Rectangle States.”

Kentucky: “Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names.”

Louisiana: “We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos; some of us are sober.”

Maine: “Your ‘last chance,’ before Nova Scotia.”

Maryland: “The state Spiro Agnew looted & cheated.”

Massachusetts: “Owned & Operated by the Kennedy family.”

Michigan: “First Line of Defense Against Invading Canadians.”

Minnesota: “10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000 Mosquitoes, living in harmony.”

Mississippi: “Where it’s ‘OK’ to marry your sister.”

Missouri: “The ‘Show Me Your Money!’ state.”

Montana: “Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Religious Crazies, and No Speed Limits.”

Nebraska: “We ain’t heavy….”

Nevada: “Five’ll get you ten.”

New Mexico: “Home of the Roswell Cover-up.”

New York: “You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney….”

North Carolina: “Tobacco is a Vegetable, and so is Jesse Helms.”

North Dakota: “Our capital was named for a German battleship!”

Ohio: “On your way out, get the lights!”

Oklahoma: “It’s a BLAST!”

Oregon: “The Spotted Owl. It’s What’s For Dinner!”

Pennsylvania: “The underground coal fire’s been burning 33 years.”

Rhode Island: “We’re Not REALLY An Island.”

South Carolina: “Drown your kids here!”

South Dakota: “The place where a mountain was given ‘head,’ FOUR TIMES!”

Tennessee: “The Educashun State.”

Texas: “Si! Habla Ingles! (Yes! I speak English!).”

Vermont: “Where the sap not only RUNS, he gets elected!”

Virginia: “Where the South SURRENDERED!”

Washington: “Owned & Operated by Bill Gates & Boeing.”

Washington, D.C.: “Where taxation without representation LIVES!”

West Virginia: “Dumb name, ‘cuz there ain’t no EAST VIRGINIA!”

Wisconsin: “Come Cut the Cheese.”

Wyoming: “More cattle than people.”

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.

How did the blonde die drinking milk?
The cow stepped on her.

How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for French fries.

What do you see when you look into a blonde’s eyes?
The back of her head.

What is it when a blonde blows into another blonde’s ear?
Data transfer

Why did the blonde ask her friends to save burned-out light bulbs?
She needed them for the darkroom she was building.

A blonde was on a plane that was going to France and she was in first class but had a ticket for coach, so a stewerdess tells her to move to coach but she doesnt. Then another stewerdess told her to move to coach. Again she said no. Then the pilot whispered in her ear and the blonde moved. The stewerdess asked how he had gotten her to move, and he said he told her that the front of the plane wasnt going to France.

About five years ago, the battery in my beat-up VW beetle had died because I had left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time, so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand getting the car started.

I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric, oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push me fast enough to start it. I pointed out that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 MPH for it to start. She said, fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming, wondering where she was going when she knew I was running late. A minute passed by when suddenly I saw her in my rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 MPH!!

I realized, in that split second just before impact, that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions!!!

A minister, priest and rabbi were on an interreligious group’s finance committee, and needed to decide how much of the group’s money should be donated to charity.

The minister said, “Draw a large circle on the ground. Throw the money up into the air and whatever lands inside the circle, we’ll donate to charity.”

The priest said, “Draw a large circle on the ground. Throw the money up into the air and whatever lands outside the circle, we’ll donate to charity.

Finally, the rabbi said, “Throw the money up into the air, and whatever God wants, he’ll keep.”

A college professor asked his class a question. If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York, and Chicago is 100 from Philadelphia, and Los Angeles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I?

One student in the back of the class raised his hand, and when called upon, said, “Professor, you’re 44.”

The Professor said, “You’re absolutely correct. But tell me, how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?”

The student said, “You see, Professor, I have a brother who is 22, and he’s HALF nuts.”