Jokes News

A man always sees a beautiful woman in a bar every night but he’s just too shy to talk to her. After 2 weeks he finally works up enough courage to make his move.

“No, thank you,” she says politely, “This is going to sound rather old-fashioned, but I’m keeping myself pure until I find the right guy.”

“That must be hard,” said the man.

“Oh I don’t mind,” said the woman, “but my husband doesn’t like it much.”

Jack bought a pair of polly wolly spit shine boots.

So Jack went to a dance and asked Cindy to dance. She said yes, and Jack said “I bet your wearing purple underwear. She said, “How did you know?”

“I just looked at my polly wolly spit shine boots,” said Jack.

Then he asked Mindy to dance, and he said, “I bet your wearing red underwear.” She asked how he knew.

He said, “I just looked at my polly wolly spit shine boots.”

Then he asked Patty to dance, and he said, “What color underwear are you wearing?” She said, “I’m not wearing underwear.”

Then Jack said, “Good I thought I had a crack in my polly wolly spit shine boots.”

Friends of ours invited my wife and me out to dinner. Although it turned out to be a topless restaurant, my wife was a pretty good sport and pretended to enjoy the evening.

On the way home, though, even the defrosters at full force couldn’t keep the windshield from icing over on her side of the car.

“Awww, come on,” I said. “It wasn’t THAT bad.”

“Your ordering what you did didn’t help matters,” she said, fuming.

“What?” I replied. “I only ordered a dozen oysters.

“ONE AT A TIME!” she yelled.

An elderly couple goes for their annual physical. The man is checked out first and the Dr. replies, “Mr. Smith you’re in remarkable health for a man your age.”

“I’m not surprised,” answers Mr. Smith, “I’ve got the Lord on my side.”

“How do you mean,” asks the doc, beginning to wonder about senility.

“Well just last night,” begins the old guy, “I had to pee in the middle of the night and the Lord turned on the bathroom light for me.”

“Did he indeed?” asks the doc, making notes in his pad. “Well that’s grand, you can get dressed and send in your wife.”

After Mrs. Smith checked out ok, the doctor felt compelled to ask, “Mrs. Smith, has your husband been showing any signs of senility?”

“In what way, doctor, ” she asked.

After he repeated the story of the bathroom light, Mrs. Smith shook her head and said, “If that stupid old bastard has pissed in the fridge again, I’m gonna kill him!!”

…CCA Prison Realty Trust? They’re buying Corrections Corp. of America in a $3.17 billion deal that will create the world’s largest penitentiary business. The merged entity will market its product under the more user-friendly name, “Motel 6-to-Life.”

…Patrizia Martinelli, ex-wife of fashion heir Maurizio Gucci? She was convicted of ordering her husband’s murder and was sentenced to 29 years in prison. Most agree this is a tremendous price for a Gucci knockoff.

…McDonald’s? They have a new series of TV commercials aimed at kids as young as 2 years old. This explains their new sandwich, the McNipple.

…Sean Connery? Now 68 years of age, he’s about to star in yet another James Bond thriller. This time, he’ll match wits with the evil proctologist, “Coldfinger”.

…The PBS children’s show “Sesame Street”? It’s under fire for accepting corporate sponsorship for the first time. In fact, some of the most vocal critics are the shows
own stars, Kermit the Budweiser Frog, and Vlasic Pickle Me Elmo.

The Cabin Boy
The Cabin Boy
The dirty little nipper,
Lined his ass with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper!

Q: What do you call two skunks in a 69 position?

A: ODOR EATERS!!!!

At the end of the year, a catechist teacher decides to test her kindergarten class by asking them to draw a picture of a story of the Bible. Soon the kids were hard at work. The teacher came to little Charlie’s desk and paused. Charlie had drawn an airplane with three little stick figures visible from the windows. Bewildered, the teacher asked Charlie to explain his picture.

Eagerly, he explained, “Well, you see, this is a picture of the Flight to Egypt. The first person is Pontious Pilot and that’s Mary, and that’s Joseph.”

German composer and organist Max Reger once received a bad review from Munich critic Rudolf Louis. Reger wrote to him: “I am sitting in the smallest room in my house. I have your review before me. In a moment it will be behind me.”

DATING: The process of spending enormous amounts of time, money, and effort to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like at present and will learn to lake a lot less in the future.

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually because a woman’s eyes are not in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some quality which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get”.

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualitites that initially attracted two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man’s term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.