Jokes News

One night two Mental Patients were standing under an orange fruit tree.

One said to the other. ” I am going to turn on my flashlight for you climb on the light beam and pick an Orange for me.”

The other replied, “do you think I am crazy, what if when I climb on the light beam you turn off the light and let me fall?”

A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy Mommy”, she yelled. ” We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to ten!” “Very good”, said the mother. “Is it because I’m blonde?” asked the girl. “Yes, it’s because your blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy Mommy”, she yelled “We were saying the alphabet today,and all the other kids said up to D but I said to G!” “Very good”, said the mother. “Is it because I’m blonde?” “Yes it’s because your blonde.” The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy Mommy!” she yelled “We were in gym class today and we were showering, all the girls had flat chests, but I have these!” She lifted up her shirt to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
“Very good”, said her embarrassed mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde?”
“No hunny! It’s because you’re 24.”

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me.

Fall out of tree, not see.

NO FEE.

Last week my band played at the grand opening of a fertility clinic..
the crowd thought we were so good they gave us a standing ovulation !

what has a pedophile got in common with acne?

they both come on your face when you’re 13.

At a medical convention, a male and female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go in and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.

After the sexual interlude, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

When she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon.”

She confirms and asks how he knew.

“Easy, you’re always washing your hands.” She then says, “I’ll bet your an anesthesiologist.”

Male Doctor, “Wow, how did you guess?”

Female Doctor, “I didn’t feel a thing.”

Little Billy came home form school yesterday, all excited about landing a part in the school play. He runs to his Dad yelling, “Daddy. Daddy! I got a part in the school play!!!”

“That’s really great, Billy! What part are you playing?”, asked the Dad.

“I’m playing the husband!”, replies Billy.

Disgruntled, the Dad puts little Billy down on the floor.

Sensing his father’s diappointment, little Billy asks, “Gosh, Dad what’s wrong?”

“I’m sorry son”, replies the father, “maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part…”

Yo mama is knocked kneed and yo daddy is bowlegged. When they walk down the street it look like they’re trying to spell O.K.

Q: Why doesn’t Popeye’s dick get rusty?

A: Because he keeps it in Olive Oil.

Q. What is a blonde when she stands on her head?

a. A stanky brunette