Jokes News

A husband comes home with a half gallon of ice cream. He asks his wife if she wants some.

“How hard is it?” she asks.

“About as hard as my dick,” he replies.

“OK, then pour me some! ! !”

My father was in the fertilised egg business when I was young. He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and 8 or 10 roosters whose job was to fertilise the eggs. My uncle kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn’t perform well went into the pot and was replaced. Now this took an awful lot of time. So when my uncle saw a set of eight tiny bells that each rang a different tone he promptly bought them.

He glued a piece of foam rubber to each clapper shaft so the bell wouldn’t ring except when violently shaken. He hung a bell on each rooster’s neck and went and mixed a Mint Julep. Now he could sit on the porch and sip while filling out an efficiency report on the roosters by listening to the different tones of the bells and marking down each encounter. My uncle’s favourite rooster was old Brewster. Brewster was a fine specimen, but his bell didn’t ring all morning. Uncle went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing. Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Chagrined at first, Uncle was soon so proud of Brewster he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation. They not only awarded him the No Bell prize but also the Pullet Surprise.

A man is out in the wilderness and he’s hopelessly lost. It’s been nearly three weeks since he’s eaten anything besides what he could forage and he’s been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can’t see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says “What do you want?” The man says “I’ve been lost for the past three weeks and haven’t had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight”

The old Chinese man says “I’ll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter.”

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying “I promise I won’t cause you any trouble. I’ll be on my way tommorrow morning”

The old Chinese man counters “Ok, but if I do catch you then I’ll give you the three worst torture tests ever known to man.”

“Ok, Ok” the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn’t keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girl’s bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, “Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience.”

Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying “1st worst torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest”.

“What a lame torture test!” the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying “2nd worst torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle”.

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying “3rd worst torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost”.

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?”

Five small voices answered in union. “Okay, Dad. You get the toy.”

Japanese guy goes into a bureau de Change with 2000 Yen. He exchanges it for $77. He goes away and spends it, and goes back the next day with another 2000 Yen and the cashier this time gives him $62.

He looks at his money and says, ‘Why you give me $15 less today?’

The cashier replies, ‘Fluctuations.’

To which he replies, ‘Well, fluck you Amelicans too!’

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.

“Mrs. Fitzgerald,” the reverend said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

“Shure,” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The bartender looked over the bar and said, “Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar.”

The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz.”

The bartender nodded. “Well if you’re that far you may as well finish.”

British playwright William Douglas Homes and his wife, Rachel, were invited to dinner by friends. Since he had to attend a matinee in Oxford, he and is wife arrived for dinner separately. The group dined, chatted, and then the Homes’ rose to leave around eleven.

“Thank you, Rachel, for a lovely dinner,” said the host.

“What do you mean?” Homes inquired.

“I brought dinner over from home,” his wife explained, “as their cook was off.”

“In that case,” said Homes, “I am at liberty to say that the fish was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever eaten.”

“That was the only dish I provided,” said the host.

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.

The psychic’s eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, “Granddaughter? Are you there?”

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, “Grandma? Is that you?”

“Yes, Granddaughter, it’s me.”

“It’s really, really, you, Grandma?” the woman repeats.

“Yes, it’s really me, Granddaughter.”

The woman looks puzzled, “You’re sure it’s you, Grandma?”

“Yes, Granddaughter.”

The woman pauses a moment, “Grandma, I have just one question for you.”

“Anything, my child.”

“When did you learn to speak English?”

A Boeing and an helicopter were discussing their problems. The Boeing said, “You are so lucky. I have to keep my arms outstretched all the time and it really aches.”

The helicopter replied, “That’s nothing. I have to keep rotating my arms at a high speed all the time and my condition is worse than yours.”

Just then they saw a rocket majestically glide on the horizon. “How lucky he is!” they both sighed. “He has no problems. He flies most happily, arms tucked away in a comfortable position.”

The rocket overheard them, let out a loud, long sigh and said, “Only he can understand my plight, who has his ass on fire during the flight.”

If a man is bald in front, he’s a thinker.
If he’s bald in back, he’s a lover.
If he’s bald in front and back, he THINKS he’s a lover.

“Papa, are you growing taller all the time?”
“No, my child. Why do you ask?”
“‘Cause the top of your head is poking up through your hair.”

He’s not baldheaded…he just has flesh-colored hair.

It’s not that he’s baldheaded…he just has a tall face.

He has wavy hair…it’s waving goodbye.