Jokes News

I had to take my son’s hamster to the vet. Here’s what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. “He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me.

“Oldest trick in the book,” I informed him. “You go in to see what’s wrong with the sick one and the other one sneaks up behind you and bonks you on the head. Then they change into your clothes and escape.”

“I’m serious, Dad. Can you help?”

I put a hamster-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on its back, looking distressed. I immediately knew what to do. “Honey,” I called, “come look at the hamster!”

“Oh, my gosh,” my wife diagnosed after a minute. “She’s having babies.”

“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie!”

I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn’t want them to reproduce,” I accused my wife.

“Well, what did you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired sarcastically.

“No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her.

“Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.

“Well, it was a little hard to tell,” she informed me.

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. “Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,” I announced. “We’re about to witness the miracle of birth.”

“Gross!” they shrieked.

“Great; what are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?” my wife wanted to know.

“Well, when my parents’ dog had puppies, I took them up to the grocery store in a cardboard box and gave them away,” I recalled.

“So what are you going to do, go up with a pair of tweezers so people can pick out their hamster?” she asked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. “We don’t appear to be making much progress,” I noted.

“A breech birth,” my wife whispered, horrified.

“Do something, Dad!” my son urged.

“Okay, okay.” Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug, and Ernie shuddered and let out a little squeal. It disappeared. I tried again, with the same results.

“Should I dial 911?” my daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk us through it.”

“Let’s get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. “Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.

“I don’t think hamsters do Lamaze,” I told him.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. “What do you think, Doc, an epidural?” I suggested scientifically.

“Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. “Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.

“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn’t EVER going to happen….Ernie is a boy.”

“What?”

“You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, male hamsters will, ah…” He blushed, glancing at my wife. “Well, you know what I’m saying, Mr. Cameron.”

We were silent, absorbing this. “So Ernie’s just…just…”

“Excited?” my wife offered.

“Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my wife started to giggle. “What’s so funny?” I demanded.

Tears were now running down her face. “Just…that…I’m picturing you pulling on its…its…” she gasped.

“That’s enough,” I warned. We thanked the veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamster and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

“I know Ernie’s really thankful for what you’ve done, Dad,” he told me.

“Oh, you have no idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing into laughter as I gave her a dirty look.

Her husband has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been
with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
You know what?”

“What dear?”, she asked gently.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

Why did the two hookers leave canada to go to the states to work?

Because they said the canadian dollar wasn’t worth a fuck.

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: “Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one last-a time.”

“You foul mouthed swine!” said the lady indignantly. In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ about-a sex-a? I’m-a just-a telling my friend-a how to spell-a Mississippi.”

Back in the old west, there was a traveling salesman. One day he ventured upon an Indian Tribe. He showed the chief his many items that he had for trade. The chief asked him if he had anything that could keep his wife from having any more children since they had so many. The salesman said he had just the thing, and traded the chief a dozen condoms for some blankets. The salesman said for him to remember to read and follow the three instructions that came with them and he wouldn’t have to worry about having any more children.

Nine months later, the salesman comes back, lo and behold the chief’s wife is pregnant and the chief is angry.

The salesman says, “Chief, what happened? Did you follow the three instructions I told you about?”

The chief says, “Me, follow instructions.”

Salesman, “Ok, let’s see. Did you take them out of the package?”

Chief, “Me take em out of package.”

Salesman, “Did you stretch them five times.”

Chief, “Me stretch em five times.”

Salesman, “Did you put them on your organ?”

Chief, “That’s where me went wrong. Instead of putting on my organ, I put em on my piano!”

A man standing on a bridge seems to be contemplating suicide. He has lost his job, his home, and his car.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, an evil image with a cape appears and asks the man what his problem is. The man replies that he has nothing to live for…everything is gone.

The evil image in the cape tells the man that he is the devil, and he would grant three wishes in return for a blow job under the bridge.

The man thinks for a minute and agrees to the terms offered. First, he says he needs a new home, and the evil image tells the man that he now has a 6-bedroom house with baths at 316 Oak View Lane.

Second, he says he needs a new job, and the evil image tells the man he is now Senior VP at IBM…

Third, he says he needs a new car in order to get back and forth to work. The evil image tells the man he now has 2 Lincoln Towncars in his new 2-car garage.

“Well,” the evil image says, “it’s time to keep your end of the bargain.”

They go under the bridge, and the act is performed. They both light up a cigarette and start chatting.

“Well,” says the man who performed the deed, “Did you really think I was going to jump???”

With that, the evil image tells the man, “Did you really think I was the devil?”

Two rednecks named Bob & Earl were sick of being called stupid, so they decided to go to college and get an education.
Bob went in first and got his schedule.
“Math, Science, and Logic.” he read.
Now Bob knew about Science and Math but had never heard of Logic, so he asked a professer just what it meant.
“Well,” began the professer, “Do you have a weedeater?”
“Yep.” answered Bob.
“Ok, since you have a weedeater, I assume you have a yard.”
“Yep that’s right!” replied bob
“Since you have a yard, I assume you have a house.”
“Yep thats right too!”
“Since you have a house I assume you have a wife.” continued the professer.
“Betty Lu! WOW!”
“And since you have a wife, I assume you are hetrosexual.”
“Sure am! Thanks sir I understand this here Logic stuff now!”

So Bob, feeling very smart went back outside and found Earl.
“So what classes did you get?” asked Bob.
“Well, I got Math, English and Logic.” replied Earl, “What’s Logic?”

“Well I’ll explain it to you Earl!” said Bob, “DO you have a weedeater?”

“No.” replied Ed.

Bob: “Your queer aint ya?”

One night a mortician was working late at the morgue. He was getting ready to wrap up a body when he realized it was one of his old high school buddies, Ron Swartch. Being curious, the mortician stripped Swartch and realized he had the biggest dick he had ever seen. The mortician decided to cut off the dick and take it home to his wife, so he put it in his briefcase and did just that.

When he got home his wife welcomed him at the door. He said, “Honey, I have a suprise for you!” He opened the briefcase and showed his wife the large penis he had brought home.

Her first reaction was, “Oh no! Swartch is Dead?!”

One night I had a wonderous dream,
One set of footprints there were seen,
the footprints of my precious Lord,
but mine were not along the shore,
but then some stranger prints appeared,
and I asked the Lord, “What have we here?
Those prints are too large and round and neat,
but Lord they are too big for feet.”
“My child,” He said in somber tones,
“for miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
but you refeused and made me wait.
You disobeyed, you would not grow,
the walk of faith, you would not know.
So I got tired, I got fed up,
and there I dropped you on your butt.
Because in life there comes a time,
when one must fight, and one must climb,
when one must rise and take a stand…
or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

Q: What does Monica and Lucille Ball have in common?

A: They both like Cubans.