Jokes News

1. Impeach-Mint
2. Candy Pants
3. Hyperactive Nuts
4. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilly
5. Pantsachio
6. Subpoena Colada
7. Horny Bubba Crunch
8. Peppermint Fattie
9. Captain Cream
10. Draft-Dodging-Pot-Smoking-Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl

You walk up to a girl and say:

Guy: Would you like to dance?

Girl: With you? No way.

Guy: Oh you misunderstood me, I said, “My you look fat in those pants.”

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8′x10′ cubicle.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6′x8′ cubicle.

In prison you get 3 meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison you get your own loot.
At work you have to share.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you can’t even speak to your family and friends.

In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison you spend most of your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.

In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programs that you can never get out of.

In prison there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work we have managers.

A film crew is on location in Kenya, when a tribal shaman approaches the director and says, “Tomorrow rain.” The director pays no attention, but the following day it pours and shooting has to be delayed.

That night, the director sends his assistant to bring the shaman back. “What will be the weather tomorrow?” asks the director.

“Bigger rain tomorrow, much wind,” and sure enough a terrible storm once again delays the filming.

But then the witch doctor disappears for a week and the director, now depending on him, sends his people out to find him and bring him back to camp.

Finally, he is located and brought to the director’s tent.
“What will be the weather tomorrow?” asks the director in desperation.

“No idea,” says the shaman, “Radio batteries dead.”

Upon graduation from high school in a very rural area, young John was to be escorted to “the big city” by ma and pa to scout out the location of the college he would be attending next year.

Ma and Pa had never been to “the big city” either, but they were sure that they would be able to safely excort their precious son and help to answer any questions he might have-since everything in “the big city” would be completely new to him.

Upon arriving in “the big city” everyone was awestruck by the masses of people hurrying here and there, the traffic in the streets honking continually, and the size and quantity of buildings downtown.

They stopped at one building that stretched toward the sky in a seemingly unendless way, noticing the name on the building’s exterior, and realizing that this was to be their hotel for the next few days.

Ma said, “I’ll stay in the car while the two of you go in and get the ‘lay of the land’.”

So, Pa and John excitedly walked throught the large doorway. They entered into a place like none they’d ever seen before. There were people everywhere.

Across the room, they saw doors that occasionally opened and closed automatically. Pa stood watching as an elderly woman, quite stooped and wrinkled entered into this new-fangled contraption. The doors closed behind her. Just moments later, the doors opened and a strikingly beautiful young woman exited.

Pa quickly turned to John and shouted, “Hurry! Go get Ma!”

“How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife, Edna.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“Well, you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife. “Why don’t you take my brother, Ronald, along the next time you play?”

“But he’s EIGHTY-FIVE and doesn’t even PLAY golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight after his cataract surgery. He could watch your ball,” Edna pointed out.

So the next day Jack teed off, with Ronald looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. “Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” answered Ronald.

“Where did it go?” asked Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I dunno. I forgot,” said Ronald.

This couple are just married and they go to their hotel suite. The groom is really pumped up. It’s his wedding night and he’s finally going to get some. They get to their room and he’s ready to pounce on his bride, having already stripped. She stops him and says she’s starving and would he run down to vending machine and get her a Snickers. He says, “But I’m already naked!” She says “Please I just know that I’ll be able to concentrate and do wild things to you if you do.”

Well, after hearing that, he figured it would probably be in his best interest to do this little errand. He opens the door, peeks out and sees that the coast is clear and makes a dash for it. While at the vending machine, he figures he had better get two just for insurance.

When he gets to his door he realizes that he has no key and he can hear that the shower is on so his bride can’t let him in. Just then he hears some people coming down the hall. It’s 3 nuns in their 90’s. He figures they are practically blind and that if he stands real still in his door frame they won’t see him.

They get to where he is and, since they are not able to see real clear, stop because they can make out the Snickers bars and think it’s a vending machine. So one nun puts a quarter in his lips and yanks at his “peter”. He makes a little squeak and drops a Snickers. The second nun decides that she too would enjoy a Snickers bar and does the same. He then drops the second bar. Well, the third decides to make it unanimous and puts her quarter in his lips and yanks at his “peter”. He has no more candy bars so there is nothing to drop! The nun is very persistent because she really wants a candy bar.

After a minute or two she goes back to her fellow nuns. They say, “Did you get your candy bar?”

To which the nun replies, “No, but I did get some nice hand lotion.”

A man has five penises.

One day he goes to the doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor examines the patient.

“How the hell do you put your pants on!!?”

The patient answered, “It fits like a glove!”

Earlier this year, when President Clinton visited various African nations, he had some interesting comments to say just prior to a press conference.

At one of his stops, as he came down to the bottom of the steps off of Air Force One, a shapely African woman walked up to greet him.

“Hello, young lady, what tribe do you belong to?” the President asks.

“Ubange,” she answered, to which the President said,

“Youbetcha. Right after the press conference.”

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards, the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

“I went to get a haircut,” was the reply. “But,” said the pastor, “why didn’t you do that before the service?”

“Because,” the gentleman said, “I didn’t need one then.”