Jokes News

One day Roy was driving along when suddenly he spotted a rabbit in the middle of the road. He tried to swerve, but still ended up hitting it. Visibly shaken, Roy got out of the car and started weeping over what he had done. A few minutes later, a woman stops and asks him why he’s crying over the rabbit.

“Because I killed it,” he replies. The woman took a closer look and says, “It’s still breathing. I can fix our little friend.” So she takes an aerosol can out of her trunk and sprays the rabbit.

The rabbit immediately jumps up, hops 10 yards, turns around and waves, hops another 10 yards, turns around and waves again. He does this until he is out of sight.

Amazed, the man reads the can: “Hare spray, revives damaged hare, induces permanent wave.”

Why did the woman cross the road ?

Who cares, she shouldn’t have been out of the house anyway.

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said : “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer.”

There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being born with only a head — no arms, no legs, nothing but a head.

Now Timmy was a basically happy person and he was loved and cared for by his family. As long as he stayed within the shelter of his family he was unworried by his condition, but as soon as he was thrust out into the world he knew that something was seriously wrong. He began to dream about being a whole person with arms and legs and a body. He thought of nothing else. It became an obsession.

Then one day Timmy heard of the famous Dr. Helen Von Rigginbottom, a physician who had been experimenting with cloning and tissue regeneration. Timmy grew so excited he could hardly contain himself. He had himself rushed to the doctor and made an appointment.

When the doctor met with Timmy all of his hopes and dreams came true. The doctor assured Timmy that she could help him and would make him into a whole person, but she warned him that it could be a dramatic change and he should consider all of the ramifications. She began to list some of the many problems he might have, but he would not listen. She consented and gave Timmy the injection that would start the process. Timmy went home and tossed and turned on his pillow all night. Eventually, he fell asleep.

The next morning when he awoke Timmy was surprised to discover that he was a whole person. He had arms and legs and a body. He was so excited and grateful that he just had to thank the doctor, so he ran out of the house, across the street and was hit by a truck and killed.

And of course the moral of our story is: While you’re a head, stay ahead.

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant, preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory where the father thought, “Surely, THIS should impress him!”

He showed his son the machine and said, “Son, this is the heart of the factory. Using this machine, we can put in a pig, and out comes sausages.”

The prudish, ungrateful, unimpressed son, said, “Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?”

The father, furious by now, thought for a second and finally said, “Yes, Son, we call it your mother!”

A very young couple, having limited funds, returned to her parents’ house after the wedding for their honeymoon night. The next morning the family gathered for breakfast and lunch without them.

When it came time for the evening meal, the father asked of his wife and their 8 year old son, “Have any of you seen the newlyweds?” The mother replied she had not seen her daughter and new son-in-law.

The brides’ younger brother replied that he had seen his new brother-in-law about 10 pm when he stuck his head out the door and ask him if he knew where there was any Vaseline.

To which the young lad further added that since he could not find any Vaseline, he gave him his model airplane glue.

The teacher in a fifth grade class said, “Class, I want you to imagine that you are the President of the United States and write an essay about what you will do for your country.”

All of the students start writing, but the teacher sees little Johnny not writing at all. The teacher asks him, “Johnny, why aren’t you writing your essay?”

Little Johnny replies, “I am waiting for my secretary.”

A witness, small, uncertain, and nervous, was being cross-examined.

The lawyer thundered, “Have you ever been married?”

“Yes sir,” said the witness in a low voice.

“Whom did you marry?”

“Well, a woman.”

The lawyer said angrily, “Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?”

And the witness said meekly, “My sister did.”

Over the dinner table, Mrs. Moskowitz said to her spouse, “You know how nervous and tense I’ve been lately, Jake? Well, I went to see the doctor.”

“Yes,” murmured Moskowitz, never lifting his eyes from the soup he was eating. “And what did the doctor say, Becky?”

“He examined me thoroughly, Jake, and said that physically, I was in fine shape. He said all I needed was some sex.”

Moskowitz’a attention was now caught. “Is that so?” he said. “And how often did he say you needed sex?”

“He suggests maybe six times a week, Jake.”

“Fine,” said Moskowitz. “Put me down for two.”