Jokes News

You smell so bad, you make Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down, Secret obvious, and Sure confused.

**How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be open by the time she brings it!

**Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you!

**Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!

**How do you know when a woman’s about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me”.

**How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There’s a clock on the oven!

**Why do men pass more gas than women?
Because a woman won’t shut up long enough to build up pressure!

**IF your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the fffront door,who do you let in first?
The dog of corse…..at least he’ll shut up after you let him in!

**All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart!

**What’s worse than a male chauvanist pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told!

**What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant!

**I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always!

**I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her!

**What do you call a woman who has lost 90% of her intelligence?
Divorced!

**Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same!

**Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%:
Wedding cake!

Michael said to his friend Tom : Can you say this sentence without using any “R”s? : “Richard and Robert raped the rabbit.”

After considerable thought, Tom finally said….”Dick and Bob fucked the bunny”.

Two elderly sisters donated $25 to a charity and, to their surprise, won tickets to the Superbowl. Since they had never seen a live football game before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity for doing so.

“I think so, too,” said Mabel. “Let’s go!”

They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.

They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge nudged her sister.

“I guess we can go home now, Mabel,” she said. “This is where we came in.”

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, “Yessir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked!

They played a game called ‘Bridge,’ and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in refreshments, I heard a man say, ‘Lay down and let’s see what you got.’

Another man said, ‘I got strength and no length.’ And another man said, ‘Take your hands off my trick.’ I pretty near dropped the tray I was carrying when the lady answered: ‘You forced me. You jumped me twice when you didn’t have the strength for one raise.’

Another lady was talking about ‘protecting her honor,’ and two ladies were talking and saying, ‘Now it’s time for me to play with your husband, and you can play with mine.’

Well, I just got my hat and coat and, as I was leaving, I hope to die, if one of them didn’t say, ‘Well, I guess we’ll go home now. That was the last rubber.’”

A husband comes home one day to find his wife on the porch, bags packed waiting for a taxi.

The husband asked, where are you going?

The wife replied, I found out I can go to Las Vegas and earn $200.00 for what I give you for free, so I’m going.

Before the taxi came, the wife turned around and found her husband standing behind her with his bags packed, too.

The wife asked him where he was going.

The husband replied, with you…I want to see how you are going to survive on $400.00 a month!

We are starting the year 5759 on the Jewish calendar (which can only be purchased wholesale, mind you).

5759. That’s a LOT of years. Just looking at that number makes me think that we need to go all over the world and round up all of the most learned Jewish historians (wow,
THIS is bound to make them nervous), and ask them that ONE IMPORTANT QUESTION that is burning at the forefront of nearly everyone’s mind:

“So, how did YOU guys deal with the Y2K problem?”

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says, “You’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is welcomed. Soon, the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell; he begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer, “So, how are things in Hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And, there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

“What! You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell… send him to me.”

“Not a chance! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!”

God insists, “Send him back or I’ll sue.”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?”

What do a hurricane, tornado and a divorcing Oklahoma couple have in common?

Somebody’s losing a trailer.

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects, gives him $1.50 and says, “Well then let it read: John Smith died.”

Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor says, “Sorry lady, there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries.”

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, “In that case, let it read: “John Smith died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.”