Jokes News

Once there was a man named Bob he owned a great big farm. He had lots of animals like pigs, chickens, horses and cows. But then one day one of his horses became constipated so he went to the vet and the doctor gave him some big pills and a pipe. The doctor instructed him to put a pill in the pipe, stick the pipe up the horse’s ass and blow as hard as he could.

Bob went home and did exactly what the vet told him to do. An hour later Bob came back to the doctor’s place looking very sick. The doctor asked what was wrong.

Then Bob replied, “The horse blew first.”

Q. what does a blonde use for birth control?
A. she crosses her fingers!

Q: WHAT’S GROSSER THAN GROSS?

A: DREAMING ABOUT CHOCOLATE PUDDING AND YOU WAKE UP WITH A SPOON IN YOUR ASS!

A blonde was driving one day. She swerves to the left then to the right. Suddenly a police officer pulls her over and askes, “What’s wrong? why do you keep swerving?” The blond replies, “I saw a tree to my right so I swerved to the left, then I saw a tree to my right so I swerved to my left.” Then the police officer says, “MA’M thats your air freshner.”

At a San Francisco art exhibition, a young woman was staring at a painting of three completely naked black men sitting on a park bench. What was so unusual about the painting was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

While the woman was scratching her head trying to understand the inner meaning of the painting, the artist sauntered by and noticed her state of confusion.

“Can I help you with this painting?” he asked.

“Well, yes,” said the woman. “I was curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the African man in the middle has a pink penis?”

“Oh,” said the artist, smiling, “I’m afraid you have completely misinterpreted the meaning of this painting. The three men are not Africans, they are West Virginia coal miners … and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.”

Little Johnny was in church with his mom and dad. This Sunday they happened to be sitting behind a woman whose dress was full of static electricity. When she stood up to sing the next hymn, her dress got stuck in the crack of her butt.

Little Johnny, being very naughty, reached out and grabbed her dress and pulled it out of her crack.

“JOHNNY!” cried his mother, “Don’t ever do that again!”

The woman in the dress was also mortified, humiliated, and angry. She scolded Johnny: “I don’t LIKE it when you do that!”

The next week they all went to church again, and would you believe they were seated behind the exact same woman? Anyway, Johnny’s mother noticed that her dress didn’t have any static in it so she wasn’t too worried.

When the woman stood up for the next hymn, Johnny reached out his hand and shoved the woman’s dress into her crack. When his mother gasped, Johnny said “But I thought she wanted it there!”

Red Buttons once said he was 80 years old, but that 80 is not “old.” He further went on to illustrate what he meant:

“Old” is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.

“Old” is when a sexy babe catches your fancy, and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.

“Old” is when your wife says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”

“Sister Ann, aren’t you putting on a little weight?” inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach.

“Why, no, Father,” answered the nun, demurely. “It’s just a little gas.”

A few months later, Father Dan put the same question to the nun, noticing her habit barely fitting across her belly. “Oh, just a bit of gas,” said Sister Ann, blushing a bit.

On his next visit, Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest said, “Cute little ‘fart’!”

Top Ten Suggestions for Guys While Playing Golf and/or Taking a Leak in a Public Bathroom:

10. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anyone.

4. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

3. Don’t stand directly in front of others.

2. Quiet please!… while others are preparing to go.

1. Don’t take extra strokes.

This might prove that Bill Gates has a sense of humor.

1. Open a new Word (for Windows 95 ver 7.0) document.
2. Type in “I’d like to see you naked” without the quotes.
3. Highlight it and look it up in the Thesaurus.
4. Enjoy