Jokes News

Hello, my name is Jonathan McKenzie. I am suffering from rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, then that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show. Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you and everyone you send “his” email to $1000? How stupid are you? Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by every Playboy model in the magazine! What a bunch of bullshit. So basically, this message is a big FUCK YOU to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower and if it makes it to the year 2000, it’ll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity.

Fuck them.

If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times. I don’t fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out forwards. Chances are it’s your own unpopularity.

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:
Chain Letter Type 1:

(scroll down)

Make a wish!!!

No, really, go on and make one!!!

Oh please, they’ll never go out with you!!!

Wish something else!!!

Not that, you pervert!!

Is your finger getting tired yet?

STOP!!!!

Wasn’t that fun?
Hope you made a great wish
Now, to make you feel guilty, here’s what I’ll do. First of all, if you don’t send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It’s true! Because, THIS letter isn’t like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!!

Really!!! Here’s how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life.

*Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

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Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy’s life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Oh, and remember, we have absolutley no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of bullshit. So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!

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Chain Letter Type 3

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad pricks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works: Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently recieved this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could HappenTo You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2

Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!!

Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Bip. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.
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Chain Letter Type 4:

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

Friends

A friend is someone who is always at your side,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of shit, and your breath smells
like you’ve been eating catfood,
A friend is someone who likes you even though you’re as ugly as a hat full of arseholes,
A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you’ve soiled yourself,
A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life,
A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs,
A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the cheque and leaves and doesn’t speak much English…
-no, sorry that’s the cleaning lady,
A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on! If you don’t, you’ll never have sex ever again.
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The point being?

If you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on.

Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who’s been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you’ll end up like Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone you know otherwise you’ll find your balls missing tomorrow morning.

What did the little boy say when his dog jumped off the cliff?

Answer: Dog Gone!

A soldier serving overseas and far from home was very bitter and terribly upset when his girl wrote that she was breaking off their engagement and wanted her photograph back.

Being a sort of creative fellow, he went out and collected all the unwanted photographs that he could find from his buddies, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

“Dear Mary,

Regret cannot remember which one of these is of you…please keep your photo and return the others.”

Three doctors, one from Russia, one from Ireland, and one from the United States, are at a doctor’s conference.

They are arguing over who has the best and most advanced medicine.

The Russian says, “We have the best medicine.

We can take out a man’s liver and have him looking for work in a month.

The Irish doctor says, “That’s nothing.

We can remove a man’s heart and have him looking for work in two weeks.”

The American says, “We’ve got all of you beat. We can take an asshole out of Arkansas, put him in the Oval Office, and have the entire country looking for work overnight.

What do you call a man with no money?

MARRIED!!!!!

To: All Employees

In the past, employees have been permitted to make trips to the restroom under informal guidelines, resulting in loss of employee time and production.

Effective January 5, 1986, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will be established to provide a consistent and precise method of accounting for each employee’s restroom time, as well as ensuring equal time for each employee.

Under this policy, a Restroom Trip Bank (RTB) will be established for each employee. The first day of each month, employees will be given twenty (20) Restroom Trip Tickets (RTT’S). These tickets can be accumulated from month to month for future use.

Currently, the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped with personnel identification stations and computer-linked voice print recognition. During the next three weeks, each employee must provide two copies of voice prints (one normal and one under extreme stress) to the Human Resource Department. The voice print recognition stations will be operational, but not restrictive, for the month of February. Employees should acquaint themselves with the stations during the month.

If an employee’s Restroom Trip Bank (RTB) reaches zero, none of the doors to the restrooms will open for that employee’s voice print, no matter how loud you yell or holler, until the first of the following month. In addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timer paper roll retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than one minute, an alarm will sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll of paper in the wall will retract, the toilet will flush and the stall door will fly open. If the employee is not out of the stall within three minutes, a general building alarm will sound and the Security Guards will appear, with weapons drawn, to escort the employee to a formal Hearing. At this time, any RTT’S the employee may have left will be forfeited to Security.

A suspension of RTT’S will become necessary for a period of three months after the second offense. In the event of a third offense, all restroom privileges will be permanently
suspended, and you’re on your own.

PLEASE REFER ANY QUESTIONS YOU MAY HAVE REGARDING THE NEW POLICY TO YOUR IMMEDIATE SUPERVISOR.

A wealthy businessman, who was a notorious cheater when playing his beloved sport of golf, died and went straight to Hell. When he got to Hell, he was surprised to find himself on a golf course with well-manicured greens and the weather so perfectly cool and clear that it did not seem like Hell at all. At the first tee, he was greeted by Satan himself who gave him a complete set of golf clubs made of gold in a genuine leather bag with a golf tee also made out of gold.

Satan said, “You will spend an eternity here just playing golf to your heart’s content.”

The golfing enthusiast was so overjoyed that he took the leather bag full of golf clubs and set the golf tee in place only to find out that there were no golf balls around.

He said to Satan, “Hey what’s the idea? Where are the frigging golf balls?”

Grinning widely, Satan handed the golfer a golf ball the size of a basketball and said, “Welcome to Hell !”

Q: How do you turn a fox into a pig?

A: You marry her!!!

On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

“How romantic!” she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tip-toed to the kitchen and found it a colossal mess. Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway.

“Almost ready!” he vowed. “Sorry it took me so long–I had to refill the pepper shaker.”

“Why, Honey, how long could that have taken you?”

“More’n an hour, I reckon. Wasn’t easy stuffin’ it through those dumb little holes.”

1. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plan you right here!

2. Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, let’s go screw.

3. Just call me milk, I’ll do your body good.

4. Your body’s name must be visa, because it’s everywhere I want to be.

5. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

7. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.

8. My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going….

9. That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I’d be coming too.

10. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I’ll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I’ll do it your way right away.

11. I’d like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

12. I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to “tinker” around with.

13. You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby you’re the Bomb diggity.

14. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald’s, you would be McGorgeous.

15. Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

16. I’m a bird watcher and I’m looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

17. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

18. Wanna play House? You be the screen door and I’ll slam you all night long.

19. If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

20. Baby, you must be tired cuz you have been running through my mind all night!!