Jokes News

My sex life is so bad that when I called one of those 900 phone sex lines, a voice came on and said,….”Not tonight, dear. I have a horrible earache.”

Why the hell do they have a handicapped spot in front of a skating rink?

Why the hell do news reporters have wise ass comments after a funny news story?

Why the hell do they show the daytime Emmys at night?

My wife and I went to a “Dude Ranch” in Texas. The cowboy, preparing the horses, asked my city wife if she wanted a Western or an English saddle. She asked him what the difference was.

When he told her that one had a horn and one didn’t, she replied, “The one without the horn is fine. I don’t expect we’ll run into too much traffic out here.”

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I’d like to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”

The man replied, “I’m an IRS Agent.”

These two bums are walkin around the street and they find a dollar.

So the first bum says “Give me that dollar, I’ll show ya what to do with it.”

So the bum go’s away for a few minutes and comes back with a hot dog.

And the second bum says “what the hell are we supposed to do with a hot dog?? You didnt even get a bun or ketchup on it!!”

So the first bum says to him “Dont worry I know what I’m doin.”

So they go into a bar and get really drunk. Then, the first bum pulls out the hot dog and puts it by his zipper, and the other bum starts sucking it!!

When the bartender see’s whats going on he throws them out and tells them never to come back again. So they just got away with not paying for all the beer they just drank.

So they go and do this in about 8 more bars. When they’re done, the second bum says to the other one, “Boy my knees sure are tired from kneeling down and sucking that hot dog.”
And the first bum says,”Your Knees! I lost the hot dog after the second bar!”

A man at a bar gets really drunk. Some guys decide to be good Samaritans and get him home.

So they pick him up off the floor drag him out the door. On the way to the car, he falls three times. When they to the house, they help him out of the car and he falls down four more times.

They ring the bell, and one says, “Here’s your husband, missus.”

The man’s wife says, “Where the hell is his wheelchair?”

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.

“This place” the guide told them, “is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years.”

“Wow!” said one woman, dryly. “They must have the same landlord I have.”

An Enlishman man on his holiday walks in to an Irish country tavern and approaches the bar.

“Excuse me landlord. Could you tell me the quickest way to Donegal.”

The landlord unsure replies “Are you walking or are you driving?”

“Er..driving.”

“Then that’ll be the quickest way.”

The two gossips noticed young Mrs Lottzabazooma in the park.

One of them said, “Is that hussy breast-feeding again, right out in public?”

“It’s her, right enough,” said the other sticky-nose.

“And look, the boy’s at least 16, and not even her son!”

Q: Did you hear about the man that had 5 penises?

A: They say his condoms fit him like a glove!!!!