Jokes News

During a lull in the rehearsal, the groom and his best man, two long-time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, “You know, Bill, except for my wife-to-be, my two sisters and my mother, I’ve made love to every woman in this room.”

Bill responded, “Well then, between the two of us, we’ve had them all!!”

Yo mama is so fat that she has to use diet soap to lose weight.

Yo mama so black that if she wore a silver coat she’ll look like a Hersey’s kiss.

Yo mama’s cooking is so bad that the homeless give it back.

Yo mama so old that Jesus personally autographed her Bible.

Yo mama so dumb that she drowned in a carpool.

A man walks into a tee shirt store. There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below, the picture is titled “Got Milk?”

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled “Forgot milk”.

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache on it. It’s entitled “Not Milk”.

Some say lawyers get a raw deal: There’s always another joke around the corner.

A NASA official is interviewing professionals to be
sent to Mars. Only one can go, and he can’t return to
Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, is asked how much he
wants to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answers, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, is asked the same question. He asks for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family”, he explains, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant is a lawyer. When asked how much money he wants, he whispers in the interviewer’s ear, “$3 million.”

“Why so much more than the others?” the interviewer asks.

The lawyer replies, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer.”

Jack takes Jill out for the first time, and on the way home, he pulls into a dark rest area.

Jill says, “My mother told me to say no to everything.”

Jack says, “Would you mind giving me a blow job?”

Jill says, “No.”

THE WORLD’s 20 SHORTEST BOOKS

20. “The Book of Virtues” by Bill Clinton
19. “My Plan To Find The Real Killers” by OJ
Simpson
18. Human Rights Advances in China
17. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
13. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Al Gore: The Wild Years
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
6. “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. “Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
2. The Amish Phone Directory

And the number one World’s Shortest Book:

1. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion

An African village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to Marriott-Smalley, the great white hunter, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights Marriot-Smalley lay in wait for the lion, but it never showed up. Finally, he told the tribal chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, the hunter went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw Marriot-Smalley lying there, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.

“What happened, bwana? Where is the lion?” asked the chief.

“Forget the damn lion!” the hunter howled. “Which of you morons let the bull loose?”

Poland’s Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland.

Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

There was a girl who wanted to get a tattoo on her butt cheeks.

She wanted it to say baby blue. So she went to a tattoo place and ask the the tattoo guy if he could put baby blue on her butt cheaks.

Baby on one side and blue on another. The tattoo guy said “OK, I charge $10.00 for each letter.” but the girl only had $20.00.

The guy said, “Tell you what, how about if I put ‘B’ on one side and another ‘B’ on the other side.”

The woman said, “OK!”

So he put it on her. ‘B’ on one side and ‘B’ on the other side.

After that she went home. When she got there her husband was all horny so he told her to strip for him. He got off on the stripping and told her that he want to fuck her in the ass.

As she was bending over her husband saw her tattoo and said, “WHO IN THE HELL IS BOB!!!”