Jokes News

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. “God, that was stupid,” she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.”

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?” “No!” she shrieked, aghast. “Prude,” he said, and he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. “Do you screw?” he asked. “Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself. “Iceberg,” he said, and he dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor.

“I suck! I screw!” she screamed in panic.

“Slut,” he said, and dropped her.

The three greatest swordsmen were in a heated contest. The final challenge was to slice a fly released from a box.

The first swordsman quickly sliced the fly in half. The second, not to be outdone, sliced the fly in thirds. The third contender apparently missed the fly, as it dropped down in the air and then flew away.

A judge asked the third swordsman, “Why did you miss?”

He replied, “I did not miss, Sir. That fly will no longer be able to reproduce.”

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

TOP 20 THINGS THAT SHOW YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90′S

20. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
19. Your reason for not staying in touch with family members is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
18. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s homepage to your bookmarks.
17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.
16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.
15. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
14. You assume the question to valet park or not is rhetorical.
13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.
12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long that some of the products don’t even exist any more.
10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it’s Saturday and you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as “deliverables”.
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same evening.
5. You think that “progressing an action plan” and “calendarizing a project” are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the local coffee store better than you know your next door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to “think out of the box” when making Friday night plans.
2. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.

And the number 1 sign you’ve had too much of the 90’s …

1. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.

A teacher is talking to her class full of infants. “If your mother was a bird, what sort would she be?” she asks the children.

The first child says, “If my mummy was a bird, she’d be a dove.”

“That’s nice,” said the teacher, “why’s that?”

“Because she’s beautiful and pure and reminds me of a dove,” says the little boy.

“If my mummy was a bird, she’d be a stork,” says the second boy.

“Oh and why’s that?” says the teacher.

“Because she’s tall and elegant and reminds me of a stork,” says the boy.

“If my mummy was a bird she’d be a thrush,” says Little Johnny.

“Why’s that?” says the teacher.

“Because she’s an irritating cunt!”

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20.00 for sex.” The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat, looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I probably should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25.”

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the Commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest in his family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Q: What is dangerous about living for 7 days on just one can of sardines?

A: You might fall off!!!

When the mini-skirt came into fashion in the mid-1960’s, French fashion designer Coco Chanel was asked whether she approved of girls’ exposing their knees and thighs in this way.

“Thighs—of course,” she replied. “But knees—never!”

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn’t find her so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her very most private part was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000…please advise.

The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.”