Jokes News

Q: How do you tell a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies in your house?

A: There are M&M shells all over your kitchen floor.

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked “intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package.

With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up…

…And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts…

And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old Manassas, Virginia boy received a one-day suspension under his elementary school’s drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer allegedly told a classmate that the mints would make him “jump higher.” And a student in Belle, West Virginia was suspended for three days for giving a classmate a cough drop. School principal Forest Mann reiterated the school’s “zero-tolerance” policy.

Some Days, It Just Doesn’t Pay to Gnaw Through the Straps…
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner’s newly installed fire prevention alarm system. “This is even worse than last year,” said the distraught homeowner, “when someone broke in and stole my new security system.”

And for the Main Course…
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and a pair of salad tongs.

…The Getaway
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

…Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.

Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the Italian police, the would-be space travelers were told to spend their “next vacation on Mars, amid the splendors of ruined temples and painted deserts; ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to the moon also available.” Authorities believe that the con men running this scam made off with over six million dollars…

Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”

Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. “He was seen hopping and jumping around,” said police spokesman Mike Carey, “with an explosion taking place inside his pants.” Police have the man’s charred trousers in custody…

Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”

Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

A drunk man was casually taking a leak into a drinking fountain in the park.

A police officer came up to him and yelled, franctially, “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING? THERE IS A PUBLIC TOILET 20 FEET FROM HERE!”

The drunk, amazed, yells back, “WHAT DO YOU THINK I HAVE HERE, A HOSE?!”

Thank God for the US education system….

What happens when you teach a redneck to read? (True Story!)

According to the Knight Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the US Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.

The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated as “Wash. Biol. Surv.”; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.

The bands are now marked “Fish & Wildlife Service.”

And so it came to pass, that our Lord Jesus Christ was crucified. And as He was nailed upon the cross, He looked down upon the masses, and Lo! There was his best friend, Joe.

“Joe, come up here, I need to speak to you,” sayeth the Lord.

“I’m coming, Jesus! Anything for the Messiah!” sayeth Joe, who then proceedeth up the hill towards the cross.

But alas, a Roman guard stoppeth Joe with a mighty blow from his sword. Joe’s left arm was cutteth offeth.

“Joe, I need to see you now!” sayeth the Lord.

“Yes, Jesus, I’m coming!” sayeth Joe, who now bleedeth profusely.

But alas, alak, another guard stoppeth Joe by cutting off his right arm.

“Joe, now is a good time! Get yer butt up here, Joe!” sayeth the Lord.

The now armless and bloody Joe respondeth thusly, “Yes, Jesus, anything for you!”

As he struggleth up thine hill, a guard smote him mightily upon his left leg, therefore causing it to layeth upon the ground, separate from Joe’s body.

“C’mon, Joe, stop screwin’ around, get up here!” sayeth the Lord.

“Yes, Jesus, Yes!” sayeth Joe, now hopping up the hill upon his only leg.

And Lo! a guard cutteth off that leg, too.

“Dude, get up here. Hurry up, man!” sayeth the Lord.

“Yes, Jesus, I’m doing my best. Anything for my Lord,” cried Joe, now merely a head and torso upon thy ground.

Joe wiggled his way up to the Lord, and when he arriveth, sayeth, “I’m here for you, Lord, I am your most devoted servant. Tell me, Jesus, what wouldst thou have me do?”

“Oh, nothin’,” sayeth the Lord, “It’s just that I can see my house from here.”

One time, when the Chicago Cubs were digging deep in the barrel for new talent, a scout excitedly phoned manager Charlie Grimm from somewhere in the sticks.

“Charlie,” he shouted, “I’ve landed the greatest young pitcher in the land. He struck out every man who came to bat—twenty-seven in a row! Nobody even got a foul until two were out in the ninth. The pitcher is right here with me. What shall I do?”

Back came Grimm’s voice. “Sign up the guy who got the foul. We’re looking for hitters.”

Two blondes are walking down the street. They turn the corner and walk into a building.You think one of them whould have seen it…….